If you are going through something like this, I know you would understand. All thought we all handle crisis our own way. If not, please don’t judge me without first walking a few miles in my shoes.
For the first time it feels like I’m ready to tell my story, well at least the ending part… standing at a new beginning in my life, trusting my all to God, I can’t help but look back and thank God for the last year of my life. Yes it hurts like nothing before, but I have never felt so close to the Lord like right now.
I opened what I never should have opened, in front of me all the websites my (then) hubby was registered on. All offering NSA sex. It stands for no-strings-attach sex, had to Google the meaning of the word! List and list of names of women he has spent the night or an hour or two with was all I could see. I called my parents, told them what I’ve seen. Disconnected the computer and went to watch a home movie with my three lovely kids…I just went on as if nothing has happened.
It went on like this for some time. Almost like I was typing information on a keyboard but the cable was disconnected to my brain and heart processor. I soon discovered that my husband was sleeping with any woman who was willing to, no matter her race, weight, age or looks. If he couldn’t find a lady willing to do it for free, he would go to a prostitute. I discovered that he even cheated on me several times while I was waiting willingly for him in our hotel room.
The not so high credit card was maxed out. The credit card he got in the mail and was planning on closing immediately, was also almost full. He didn’t use protection and the chances of me having aids were very good. In a split second my whole world was turned upside down. But it still did not hit home, I even told all of this to my closest girlfriend without crying.
When the keyboard cable was finally connected, the information was too much to process, and the whole system just shut down. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep, I did nothing! Taking care of the kids was too much for me, getting dress wasn’t An option (clean PJ’s would have to do) and who cares about the house or garden when your life just ended.
I died that day!
If you never have been there, don’t even try to imagine how it feels. No words can ever describe the pain. I was one of the lucky ones, I had so many people helping and supporting me, but most important thing they did was: PRAY FOR ME! I could feel God’s presence all the time, even when all I had to offer was tears. God never left me alone for even a second.
Today I am writing this as a divorced (I did pray about it for a long time) lady, (by the way aids free) starting over, knowing that God is all I really need. One thing I take with me from this pain is living one day at a time. Grasping the day with both hands and cherishing all the little moments.
Thank you Lord. You never let go of me…