Not too long ago, I met a woman who was supposed to be my mentor. We smiled at first, I was her client and we communicated ideas, thoughts, feelings, and questions about each other. At first it was funny, but I wanted a deeper relationship with her, I wanted to be friends.
She wouldn’t because it was “unprofessional” and instead wrote down my problems and didn’t truly address them. I felt like dying because she was cursing me by not helping me. I later became angry, and I saw the kind of person she was. I felt that whenever she smiled, she made fake smiles. She did claim to be a Christian, but I didn’t feel like she had fruits.
I had a constant and disturbing feeling that she was dishonest with me and didn’t want to be friends. One of the worst feelings was feeling like no one was understanding what I was feeling except God. She reminded me of a certain group of people, people who are hypocritical and pretend to be someone who cares, someone who loves, and someone who agrees with a “secular written law.”
Long ago, when I was a weak Christian, I hated people like that but later I learned to love more like Christ. Finally, I lost control of myself, I became very angry, and I made plans to kill her in my house. I tried to decide whether to kill her or go after her family. I’ve wondered if any Christians had murdered yet I never thought that I would plan to kill. During church service, God convicted me through a worship song, not even that could help me regain control. As I was planning, I felt horrible thinking about the damage after I had done the sin, but the devil tried to manipulate me telling me
“You have every right to kill her; she deserves it after all she did to you!”
I felt evil in my mouth, the only fear I had was her escaping alive. I didn’t care how brutal the attack would become; I could not let her escape. Just about the time when she was in the house, before I could walk to her from behind, I saw a vision of myself holding a knife, angels in the form of men were pushing me back, trying to help me. Jesus said, “put your sword down! because those who live by the sword shall die by the sword!” in an instant I dropped it and then the angels pushed me to the ground in case I were to pick up the spiritual sword I had. Jesus then asked me to give my anger and hatred up to his presence so he could burn it and free me. Slowly I did it and I was freed.