I need your answer, my Lord.
God, my heavenly father, please save me from these pains. This year, I had to leave my only sister whom I’d always wanted to protect from evil relatives, so I lost the manings of my life. But you soon sent me a guy who lead me back to Church, in the opposite side of the earth. We fell in love each other. I didn’t know why but I couldn’t resist to this love for the first time in my life. With the help of him and his family, I came back to your arms after 15 years of wandering.
I wanted to forgive all of my relatives and start new life with him who was the first and only guy I’ve ever trusted and loved. We talked about marriage but he wasn’t in a good condition to support us. After a few months, I had to come back to my country with Visa problem, after then he suddenly abandoned me. I don’t know what was the exact reason. He just said me that he had never loved me…
But I still remember his voice message crying with love and pains, which I heard in airport. He even posted a message on his SMS just 2 days before our break up:
“If God wants, no matter how long time it takes, no matter how far away from each other, we gonna meet again.”
What happened? I don’t know. I became crazy and begged him to come back, but he was so cold and stubborn. He said that he was praying for me everyday but he didn’t want to come back to me. Oh, Father, why do you leave your daughter in these pains?
Things got worse after then. My parents started to deny me, sometimes saying they want me to die, as they used to do when I was young. They cut all the financial support and gave me verbal abuse to reduce their pains of losing my sister. My personnal doctor gave me the test result with a critical health problem. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep and couldn’t walk. I often fell down on the street with diziness and started to cry. Some of my friends left me but the other friends tried to protect me and staied with me but we didn’t know what to do. I tried to meet new guys but failed, and I realized more love for my ex.
There was something inside of me which prevent me from giving up. No one in my friends want me to get back my ex. They all said
“Even you don’t have any way to go back to his country.”
After 2 months, I just got a sudden job opportunity in the country of my ex, but with limited time… When I said I don’t have any money to buy airline ticket, mother of my best friends suggest a little financial help. I thought It was you, my heavenly father, who showed me this hope. But when I said my ex about this news and asked him if God had given him any message, he answered me No. He even said that it’s not God’s will that we start again. Why does he speak like that? What did he see from us?
God… I prayed you every day and night, reading your words from the Bible, but my Lord, I can’t see anything about my future. Here is just deep darkness for me. I thought that you had answered to my prayer with a job opportunity, but my ex said that he had never given any message from you. Is it possible that you just show your will to one side of us? I really don’t know what is your will. I know, you showed me the word “Patience” in the Bible, but now I become confused what if I misunderstood your message? I am not wise enough, so please show me in a way that I can understand.
Something bad happened again. A friend whom I always have believed as your good servant from Church, demanded my body to satisfy himself. He cried like a beast with his sexual desire for me, I was really shocked. When I asked him if he could leave God for my body, he said yes. How can this happen? God, my Lord, what is this? I cut all the contacts with him after then, but still am so scared.
Now, my ex never contacts me, some of our common friends said that he looks totally happy without me. His family members who often talked with me with support don’t contact me anymore. A few days ago, I cut my wrist, crying and asking you why you don’t answer my prayer. Please at least let me know your will. I will follow it, because I know you always know what is the best for me. God… My Lord… I am too weak and sick. I can’t stand these pains. I need your help. I can’t see anything for my future. Please let me know what I have to do. Please give me a wisdom to distinguish your will from whispers of evil things. Protect me my Lord, let me stay in your arms and never abandon me.