God is My Strength: Free from Cutting

This is hard for me because I’ve never told anyone any of this.

How has God changed my life? In many ways. I was saved years ago. I’m 24 now and I was saved when I was young. To be honest I have no idea what the exact age was. Probably 8 or so I am guessing but anyway, when I was in 5th grade, I met a guy and become really good friends with him. Let’s call him Mark. Mark and I were friends for several years.

But in 6th grade, at the end of 6th grade, I fell into this terrible depression. I remember all I wanted to do was sit in my bedroom with the door closed and cry and listen to this sad country song that said something like “Is it over yet? I can’t take seeing you packing your things are leaving” and the reason for this was because I saw Mark with another girl at the end of the school year and that hurt.

Even though we weren’t romantically involved, it was scary to me because Mark was older than I was, and this girl was as old as he was, and I thought that maybe they were closer than I would be with Mark. And that hurt. That hurt a lot. I remember that summer one incident was when my mom told me to get ready to go to the bank. I felt terrible and I remember thinking “I don’t feel like going! Oh no!” I didn’t even want to go to the bank.

Sometime later, maybe months later I don’t know how much time later I did however read in a magazine that my mom had an article about depression. It was then and there I self-diagnosed myself with depression. I remember specifically the article told about a woman who said she looked outside the window at a leaf and for no apparent reason cried like crazy. That was me in a nutshell I decided.

I never told anyone of this depression. Just kept it hidden. For years I suffered with it. Probably until I was 17. Then after all I had been through with Mark, he left. Mark just dropped out of school and I never saw him again. And that hurt. I lost all contact with him. Mark was the only friend I had in high school.

I was so upset over him leaving. I remember one night I listened to a Christian teen talk radio program. The hosts on the show spoke of the sanctity of life. I felt so guilty that some people didn’t even have a chance in life, and I did and I was contemplating suicide at the time and God helped me through that. I sobbed my eyes out.

Then I went to college. I fell in love for the first time. It was the best feeling ever. However, the guy that I was in love with didn’t know how I felt towards him. I would literally chase him all over the campus trying to get his attention. Trying to tell him how I felt about him, but I just couldn’t.

I couldn’t even say hi to him I was so caught up and tongue tied. I tried this for 2 semesters and by the last and final semester, semester 4 he was gone. I never saw him again. A repeat of what had happened to Mark. I always had hope that someday in the future we would meet again and be together. So, for 2 years I waited for him and searched for him.

One day, I went to MySpace and just typed in what I thought was his last name. His first name was Justin, but I didn’t know exactly what his last name was because I had heard it once or twice and was afraid that I had heard it wrong. Anyway, I found his MySpace page. When the results page came up, I saw that he was in a relationship. I clicked on his profile page and lo and behold there he was.

It was bad news, however. Someone had left a comment with something to the effect of

“Justin, I miss you. I’m sitting here eating chicken wings, but I can’t wait for our big day tomorrow.”

The next day was Justin’s wedding day. And it didn’t involve me. I sobbed. I cried like there was no tomorrow. Justin had also moved out of state. I remember that I couldn’t fall asleep that night. I listened to music through my I pod. It was an awful night.

A few months later I lost my job because I stole from my employer. I remember stealing things from the store and asking God to help me hide the fact that I was stealing from everyone. I thought that no one would ever find out but one day I was called into the office and was asked why I was stealing and was fired. I felt so bad because I knew that what I did was wrong, but it had gotten to the point where I didn’t care. So, I risked my job and lost it. 3 months after losing my job and actively searching for a new one, I felt so down so low because by that point in my life I didn’t have any friends, no social circle.

In 20 something years of my live I never had a boyfriend. I had credit card bills piling up with no job no way to support myself. One night I went into the bathroom and got a razor blade and started cutting myself. I had always had a deep desire to cut myself. It was a sick, disgusting urge. I had finally let loose and did it. At the time, it felt good. Really, really good. I remember thinking “I’m so proud of myself for finally giving in” but at the same time I was scared that I was going to cut too deep or cut a major artery or vein or cut myself so that I would commit suicide.

I prayed to God and told him I would never cut again because I knew that was the only way that I could stop. Making a pact with him was the only way. That night I didn’t get any sleep. I woke up in intervals and felt so bad. When it was finally morning I woke up and prayed to God and recited all the reasons why I didn’t want to live anymore.

That day was tough for me. I felt so afraid that I was shaking like crazy, and I thought, “Why don’t you understand what I am going through?” to people who talked to me that day. All I could think about was cutting myself again and how good it felt and how scared I was.

That night before I went to bed, I was so afraid that I cried out to God again and told him I was fighting the temptation and how bad I felt. He healed me. He totally healed me. He gave me a new outlook on life.

Does life revolve around how many boyfriends I’ve had? Or if I have any friends? Or how many credit card bills I have? NO! The focus of my life needed to be God and he made me realize that and I knew before that I struggled with that.

But now God is in the driver’s seat of my life. Whereas before I was afraid to allow him to take control of my life. I am so thankful and feel so blessed to know God & to have the relationship that I have with him. God saved my life. More than once. At the time I was cutting, I knew it was wrong and I felt like God was saying something like, “I give you life and I’m here for you and this is how you repay me? This is what you do? Life isn’t good enough for you?” I always felt as if there was some protection working for me.

And when I cut myself for the first time, I was so afraid of people knowing about it. I was so scared. I went on You Tube and searched for testimonies and when I heard about ways that God has helped other people, I cried tears of joy. It was so emotional for me. While thinking of suicide, I would listen to Josh Groban and other songs of hope.

One song in particular was Good Charlotte’s “Hold On” and the reason why I mention this song is because the song says something like, “Don’t stop searching. It’s not over.” While hearing these words, I thought “It is over. It is. There is nothing left for me to do but take my life.”

I am so thankful to God for keeping me safe and for protecting me during the time when I needed him the most. God is my strength. Now all that garbage from the past doesn’t matter anymore. It used to haunt me. I am so thankful to have the opportunity to tell my story to other people today. If I didn’t have God I wouldn’t be here today. He saved my life literally. He totally changed my outlook on life.