God Is Love (I was Shy and Distressed)

I want to start by addressing all those who are reading this and are experiencing great anxiety, depression and suffering in their lives, and who also feel like they are loved by no one.  God loves you so immensely it’s unfathomable. No person can love you as much as God loves you. He wants you to turn to Him with your sorrows. He wants to save you and make you whole again. I want to tell you how He did this to me and how I came to know His great love for me in an unexpected way.

I grew up in a family where Christianity was present throughout my childhood, even though we didn’t go to church regularly. I remember my mom reading the Bible to us at bedtime. As a child I did believe that God must exist, and Jesus is His Son, but I didn’t really know God. I couldn’t read nor understand the Bible and even when I tried I couldn’t keep reading it. I also couldn’t fully comprehend why Jesus was so important. At some point I started to doubt calling myself a believer as I had done before. I realized I didn’t believe the same way those people did, who told excitedly how much they loved Jesus. I wished I could have had as strong of a faith as other people had.

The years went by and I slowly started to forget about God. My life seemed to flow smoothly without relying on God. I didn’t have time for Him and I concentrated on my regular daily life. I was successful in my studies at school, I had friends and I saw myself as an exemplary teen, because I didn’t mess with alcohol or drugs. As a result, I became arrogant and felt I was better, wiser and more sensible than other people my age.

Soon I found myself in more and more miserable situation. Gradually I had developed social anxiety, which worsened when I had to move to a different town and leave my friends behind. At that time depression also entered my life as I began to continually compare myself to other people. I felt I was an unworthy person, because I didn’t get along with people and I was anxious and awkward even in the most ordinary interaction between people. Even through all this I held on to my pride.

Couple years later I started my first year in university and moved to a neighbouring city. I thought everything would change for the better then, but I was wrong. At that time, I was at my loneliest. I didn’t have any person I could call my friend or even talk to without nauseating anxiety. I didn’t fit in with other students and the anxiety prevented me from attending social gatherings. I was shy and distressed. I saw myself as a faulty and unworthy person, because I couldn’t be like everyone else. I felt I was more stupid than others and that I would never make it as myself in this world. At that point I was drowning in such great hopelessness and worthlessness that I wished I would just die. I didn’t want to go on any longer.

Crying after classes had become my new normal. But one time alone in my apartment I broke down completely and cried hysterically. It was the moment I finally turned to God and sobbed:

“Why do I have to suffer so? Lord, don’t you care about me? Don’t you love me either? Lord help me!”

Soon after this happening I gave up my studies and moved back to my parent’s place.

The next half a year went by anxiously. There was hardly a day I didn’t mull over my failure or what I was supposed to do with my life. What was the point in living?

Suddenly one day, after a conversation with my sister, I realized how this world is filled so much wickedness and how I also had committed many wrong doings. At that moment, I understood that I need God in my life. I understood that I need Jesus to be saved from my offenses against God. I began to read the Bible fervently and to my amazement I couldn’t put it down. It was like my eyes had been finally been opened after years of blindness and I understood what I was reading.

I felt a compelling need to attend a praying meeting nearby. The speech held there felt like it was directed straight at me, and I couldn’t help but break down and cry. During that evening I received the word from God. I got to hear that He loved me enormously and it was a great comfort for me.

After couple weeks I got to experience God’s love in an unexpected way. I was awake in the middle of the night for some reason, when I suddenly felt an indescribable whoosh coming over me and I was surrounded by immense power. The almost electrical like power was all over me and in me. It was out of this world. I just can’t explain it in any words. I realized this must be God and I shouted His name. After a moment a question rose to my mind:

“Do you love me?”

Immediately after that question came to me, the power surrounding me intensified and I felt breathless. It felt like all of God’s love was expressed for me and the strength of it was almost too much to bear. I understood this as a confirmation to my question. I basked in God’s presence for a while and slowly the power faded away. I was left shaky and breathless after that.

After I found God, I understood what He had done in my life. With His grace He had called for me. This Bible verse spoke to me deeply in that time.

“The Lord hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.”

Jeremiah 31:3, KJV

He took away all things, which were preventing me from coming to Him. I had trusted only in myself to pull through everything. In reality, I needed God and always will need Him in everything I am and I do. He wanted me to only rely on Him.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”

Proverbs 3:5, KJV

Now I can finally say I understand the importance of Jesus. We are all sinners, we’ve all done wrong things. And we all would have died for our sins, if Son of God wouldn’t have died instead. With his death and resurrection Jesus has saved us all from death.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”

John 3:16, KJV

Jesus has saved me from death. He has helped me change as a person. He has renewed my thoughts completely. I’m no longer depressed, and I live my life for Jesus. And even though sometimes my anxiety tries to take over me, I can rely and trust in loving God who helps me. God continues His work on me, and I’m so glad He has taken me into his care. With Him I have all things and I want to carry out His will in my life.