It all started in 5th grade. I didn’t really know God that well and I actually dint give it much thought, I hardly had any friends and was a loner as such. One day while I was coming back home from school in the school bus I was sitting in the corner and keeping to myself when a senior approached me and said, “Hey kid, which grade you in?”
I replied that I was in the 5th grade, and he said, “Okay, cool don’t sit here all alone come join us.” I said, “Okay cool.” I went, and he introduced me to his friends (all of them were seniors and were like 2-3 years older than me).
Now these guys looked nice at first treated me kindly and all asking me questions again very kindly (PS: these things happened over a series of days and not just one; the first day I was shy and didn’t speak to anyone but that one that had approached me). So I was happy finally and everything was all good until some of the guys started insulting me for fun I guess, and I would not defend myself with anything. I would just take it.
This happened for a while now and the eldest of the gang (it’s not really a gang) came to me and said “Ok now I going to tell you some words and their meaning” and those were some harsh (yuck is a another way to describe it) words and he also said if any one something bad to me, scold them back with this (me and him had actually a lot in common and I trusted him a lot).
So, after that one guy started bullying me again (with words) and I did use it against him, and I eventually got really good with it, and everyone would laugh at what I would say. And for the first time I think I experienced being popular and it was fun for a while until the eldest one came to me again and said, “You should really start watching porn. Everyone does it. You try too; you will enjoy it.”
I said okay, why don’t I, and after a while I was hooked on that too soon fell into a masturbation addiction. I enjoyed it for a while, and I didn’t know anything was wrong with it (now its 2012 and I have had the addiction for about 2 – 2 and a half years now). One day during the summer our Sunday school was hosting something called VBS (Vacation bible school) where we go to church and learn about God it was a 12 day thing (continuously as it was summer vacation) and so me and my friends would go there and it was actually a lot of fun and I really enjoyed myself playing games and learning about God (especially that part because our teachers were great and they themselves had a lot of experience with their walk with God).
In the last classes when the program was coming to an end on the 10th day our teacher said “Now I want all of you to give your life to God.” We all agreed and so I said “Lord I give my life to you.” And when I went back home something happened I would usually just watch porn or masturbate and I did (something I’m not too proud of) but then there was just like this huge amount of guilt in me and something told me “Ask God for forgiveness” and I did and after sometime the guilt would go and I would get tempted again and do it a again and it followed a cycle (what I did notice from it was that I did not find the will to use that foul language anymore and my will to throw a punch at people sometimes if anyone would hit me I would just hear this voice saying “walk away” and I feel my legs just move on its own which I thought was just like “Wow” but sometimes walking away hurts a lot inside and I used to cry sometimes and I was like beat till the ground).
One day it got too much for me and I said, “Lord last time I promise” and I failed to keep it I have done this many times trying to say I will stop but I never could. I have many empty promises to God like that and it would never work out for me this one time I remember being full of determination I had planned a full fletdged escape route if I ever got tempted and I said “Ha! you won’t be able to tempt me now! I promise Jesus last time” and I would fail later :P.
Then there was a second point in my life where I thought I never fully gave my life to God and I said “Please forgive me for my sins Lord, I give my life to you Lord please –do only what is good for me Lord, in Jesus name I pray Amen” (see you can tell in the prayer that I did not really again fully give my life as I thought he wanted to do bad things to me). And so slowly my will to watch those horrible videos slowly went too … but I still would sometimes as I still had a masturbation addiction and so its 2014 now and almost having it for 4 and a half years thinking it would never go.
But on 26/5/2014 I said, “Lord Jesus I give my life to you God take full control over it, in Jesus’ name I pray, Amen”. And then what happened was peace like no other peace and joy like I never felt before came upon me I thought my heart was just going to burst. I felt like I could feel my heart like really come out it was Just this amazing feeling and so that day I spent the whole time learning about the love and grace of God from a pastor called “Joseph Prince”. I could feel the love there, but the addiction was still not gone, and something was wrong this time I could hear a voice in my head like going “Do it Do it!” and bringing random sexual thoughts in my head and I did, and the guilt hit HARD and sometimes I would feel my whole day go away.
It was too hard for me to stop, and I just couldn’t this went on for 3 months going on and on and finally I said, “Lord Jesus it’s too powerful for me to do lord you please break that stronghold in me Lord, In Jesus name I pray, Amen.” And then on 6/8/2014 it just stopped suddenly just like poof, gone and I mean like it’s just so amazing!
What he did for me something that was with me for 4 and a half years! And that is a long time, just gone in 24 hours (or maybe even in a second) and to tell you I have not done it till date by Gods Grace, Amen? And as for those friend of mine who got me into this I still keep in touch with them sometimes but talking to them is a little harder since my school changed in 8th. Now I have a lot of friends, good friends and it’s all thanks to my God, Amen!
And what I am trying to say especially to all the people who are having a similar problem like mine is that don’t think “oh this addiction will never leave and no matter how much I try I just can’t do it.” No! Stop trying by yourself and let God do it. Think, “I can’t but He can!” as long as you try it won’t go … Let God do it for you, Amen? 😀 (Amen :D)
