I used to be extremely depressed. This depression was without a cause and I was only sad because I had recently began to know of emo and goth culture. It appealed to me, and for a while I became a negative Nancy, blowing little things into proportion and basically making things seem way worse than they really were. I wanted to be able to act like I was edgy and I wanted to make it seem like I had gone through horrible things. I wasn’t delighting in the Lord and was sad all the time and I wasn’t that close to Him either.
Then came summer. About 2 weeks after my 8th grade graduation, one night, me and my family were about to play cards. I was just doing my business, getting ready to get called to play them, and then suddenly, I felt a strong wave of sadness come over me. I had no idea what it was, since I had never truly felt sad before. I hadn’t experienced true depression until that moment. So when it came, I had no idea how to counter it or fight it. My family kept asking what was wrong because I had declined playing cards with them. Since I didn’t know what was wrong, I couldn’t explain what was happening to me. I just said that I started feeling bad. I went to bed hoping, and I think praying, that whatever had came over me would be gone the next day. When I awoke, I found that it didn’t.
Practically the whole summer, I think I cried every single day. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Along with my depression, I was also tempted to do all sorts of sinful and despicable things. I got closer to God through all of that and started reading my bible more. If it wasn’t for Him, well, I don’t want to think of where I’d be. So through my bouts of sadness and emotional moments, with Him, I stayed hopeful and never gave up faith. I knew that what was happening to me was a trial and didn’t come upon me without reason. I watched Christian movies and listened to gospel for most of those days.
By the end of summer, I began to feel better, not 100%, but I knew that I was getting better.
High school began, and though I had a rough start, with God, I managed to get through and survive my first two years.
Then came year 11. Over the summer, before my 11th grade year of school, the depression came back and it was worse than the first time because this time it came on stronger. I started my 11th grade year feeling slightly better and I did fine the first 2 months about, but by the end of October, I noticed I started to forget things. It was becoming harder for me to write and remember things. Stuff I had no difficulty doing, gradually became harder. And I started having trouble sleeping. It was only after a few weeks that I came upon the realization that I had been getting no sleep at all. I hadn’t noticed because I had never had insomnia before. So because of my lack of sleep, I started forgetting how to write full 5 paragraph essays, right full open ended responses and other things. I started to think that I might forget my own name! The enemy kept putting horrible thoughts in my head constantly. I kept trying to not give in to his lies and the thing I should’ve done, in hindsight, was to take captive every thought that was not of Christ and make every single one obedient to Christ.
The whole time I was being tormented by The devil and no matter how hard I tried to sleep, every night I would toss and turn, and lie awake. This was torture for me, and pretty soon, I began to lose weight and not really look like myself anymore. People stared at me a lot, and began to start avoiding me. It hurt and I didn’t tell my friends what was going on with me. I walked around feeling like a zombie, wondering why I was still alive. I prayed to God a lot, and read my bible more. Because of Him I never truly lost hope. It did get so bad though, because I started feeling my pulse a lot because I honestly felt like I was going to die.
That whole season was truly torture for me and lasted for a span of about 2 months. But on New Years day, since my family knew I was struggling so hard, at about 12 AM, I think my mother told me and my brother to come into my parents’ room. There, we prayed prayers for the New Year, and other things. That night, I lay down to sleep, not expecting to get rest at all. I didn’t think I would ever be able to peacefully sleep ever again. But for the first time in about 2 months, I lied down, and I rested, and finally dreamed again.
When I awoke, I wasn’t sure if I had slept or not. Several months later, I realized that that I did sleep that night and because I hadn’t rested in so long, I didn’t realize it at the time. After that, I continued to sleep and to dream and God restored me. I got memory back, I was able to write full essays again, not be anxious about tests anymore and etc. I got closer to Him after that and I thank Him for all that I went through because it turned out to be very worth it.
So then near the end of my senior year, I started having trouble staying asleep. I asked God something close to,
“Please don’t let this be as bad as it was last time. Lord please make this more bearable for me.”
He answered my prayers. I didn’t not get sleep, but I started getting 6 hours of sleep a night and then I think I began to only have 3-4 hours of sleep a night. But I got sleep every single night. I became sluggish and a bit anxious and etc. but God helped me through that time. I read the bible and through this whole thing, I learned how to meditate on God’s word. This was something, I didn’t really know how to do before, but once I learned how to do it, I kept doing it and it gave me a sense of peace. Also now, with God’s help, this time I began to look up ways on how to cure insomnia, and most of the tips worked for me. I survived that season by the grace of God.
During the summer of my first semester of college, I started to get closer to God. I started to stop listening to music with sinful explicit lyrics, I stopped lusting after boys, etc. I really was trying to just get closer to Him. I talked to Him more, and I noticed that the more I talked to Him, the more the enemy tried to come into my mind. I kept asking the Lord to deliver me from the evil thoughts that kept coming into my mind and into my head popped the verse:
”But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”(2 Corinthians 12:19). The thoughts kept coming on more and more and became more intrusive and blasphemous. One night, it got so bad that I began to pray so fervently to the Lord. I asked Him to strengthen me and I prayed for others and for all the other believers in the world. I promised Him that I would get closer to Him and that I would do what I needed to do to do so.
The next day, after I had rested, I awoke and the thoughts started to come into my head. I took them all captive repeatedly, and the Lord filled my head with lots of encouraging verses. I kept notes of all of them, and began to say some them out loud whenever He reminded me of one. He granted me His peace and I could feel that He was strengthening me. He didn’t leave me at all and He heard me when I cried out to Him.
So I want any of you to declare the word over your life. Remember that you are more than conquerors through Him who loved you (Romans 8:37) and that that no weapon formed against you will prosper(Isaiah 54:17). Always count it all joy that you endure trials (James 1:2-3). Always put on the armor of God and never take it off(Ephesians 6:10-18) and remember to never be anxious but make all your prayers and requests be made known to God. Then you will receive His peace.(Philippians 4:6-7). And never forget to rebuke the devil and any other evil spirits in Christ Jesus and take captive every single thought and make them obedient to Christ(2 Corinthians 10:5).
We believers never suffer without reason because we know that our trials will help us to persevere more.(James 1:12). Whatever has happened to you will work out for good for those who love God (Romans 8:28) so ask God to grant you His peace and to give you the strength to help you endure whatever you’re going through. With faith, believe that He will bring you out of whatever ordeal has come upon you. God loves you and He would never have you to go through anything without it making you better.