Boy in hoodie

Getting This off My Chest

I guess I should get this off my chest. I have been wanting to say this, but, I haven’t been able to get the strength to stand in front of people to tell it.

I don’t know where to start, but I guess I’ll start from when I was 10. My uncle had just recently died, and I blamed God for taking him. I blamed him for what he did, why would he take him away from my 5-year-old cousin and especially take him away from my cousin who has down syndrome.

That day when I heard he died I lost my faith. I didn’t want to be associated with God anymore. I could careless that he does all he does, he doesn’t take family away from me. Those days were the worst of my life. I started doing horrible in school and didn’t make many friends and lost few too. My only true friend that I knew was God, but I lost him too.

I didn’t have my brother or sister to turn to because they are 11 and 12 years older than me and I didn’t want to share with my parents what was going on in school, or my life. I lived a life in solitude. In school I’d be made fun of as that yellow kid, the twinkie, the kid who doesn’t know who he is. This because I was part Korean. I still get it to this day, but I have learned just to laugh it off. I joke around about it to, but it still hurts if it is directed to me in a judgmental way. I still haven’t found God yet, because I let him go when I was ten until I started to go on missions trips.

I’ve gone to Cass Community before but that was sort of a letdown. All we did was clean the place, but I was going there to make sandwiches for the homeless. It was a big letdown. I didn’t come closer to God. All I did was manual labor. Why would this bring me back to God? Though around this time I was starting to come back to God, and I started coming to church regularly again I still didn’t feel God.

I was empty inside.

I wanted to help in Church, but the little kids gave me a headache at VBS so bad that I said forget this, I don’t need this pain after the second day.

Then came Kentucky. Kentucky was a fun place to go. We prepared by running two miles every week for about 4 weeks and preparing our body worship. All we did though was fool around and get on each other’s nerves. I remember saying something about Jesse’s sister and he got all pissed off. I didn’t mean it in a bad way, but he pushed me, and I pushed him, and it would have turned into a fist fight if the people in our cabin had not gotten in between us.

There was when we finally got into our circle to ask God for forgiveness, because we were there for him, not anyone else. I was in tears, but I still didn’t raise my hands to God, I still didn’t feel him. Then we went out to go put the windows in the trailer we were fixing down there the next day for the week we were there. The unthinkable happened; one of our guys hurt him. He had a huge gash from one of the windows breaking and with me having medical training and him being my friend, no, my brother, I ran to him and helped him.

I put pressure on the wound not even thinking about the blood getting on my hands, not even thinking about what I could catch from him, because the way it was bleeding, he could have passed out from the blood loss or even died. I prayed that God would make it stop on the ride to the doctors and it did. It clotted up and he was pretty much fine the rest of the time there…

That mission trip came and went, and my heart was still trying to find meaning in this world. I was wondering why am I here, what is my purpose? But it came to no use because I knew I wouldn’t get an answer. That time though in Kentucky, we got to know our new Youth Pastor and he was a pretty cool guy. Well, is a pretty cool guy. He is different in that he uses dude, and what other stuff that is out dated lol. But he is there for us and he is a good guy.

We got to know each other more in Mexico to. Mexico was a great time. Got to see the rough side of Pastor Paul not being able to shower and seeing that Pastors are real people who feel the same. He is just like us, but with a title. Same with all Pastors and Clergymen, etc. But we are all Men and Women of God.

I got to finally get God back into my life. He came at me in such a rush that after our 5 somewhat hours of Worship in Pastor Paul Suh’s church in Mexico I was in tears. I couldn’t believe that I would push away someone like him from me for 8 years. I couldn’t believe that I could be so stubborn that I wouldn’t let God who would love me no matter what speak to me, work in me, make me more like him. His is the almighty; he will lead me where I need to go.

When Pastor Suh asked me to bless a man who he had told demons to get out of, he didn’t tell me to, it was God who was controlling me. He was in me, he shaped me and made me so pure that night he was back in me that I blessed many people in that church. I could see that as I put my hands on them that God was going into them through me, Jesus was working me and using his power to cleanse those that God had led me to. Afterwards, the tears just flowed.

The beach though, was a day that the devil wanted the some 300 of the people who God had taken away from him back. That thing had made the waves at least 5-12 feet high. Everyone was excited that the waves were that big, but some same out too far and were being swept out to sea.

Getting off topic for those of you who don’t know I am going into Nursing. I have had second thoughts about it until that day when God threw it at me saying to go, go do what you want to do. I have my missionaries to save spiritual lives, but I need you to save the physical part of it. Then when I was praying in our group, thanking God for his protection that I was not one of the many being swept out that were brought back in after being saved.

As I was praying all I heard was go, go, go. I opened my eyes and seen that Pastor Suh was over a kid and trying to get him to start breathing again. But he was in a frantic. When I got there, I told P. Suh that I was an EMT and he moved aside and after three breaths, Justin started breathing. God had told me that I am going to be alright in this field. That he will watch over me. He will lead me to where he wants me to go.

I plan on now to go on medical missions with P. Suh and I hope and pray that nothing will keep me from it. I thank God for coming back to me, cleansing my 8 years worth of sin, myself pity that I wouldn’t want him, He is an awesome God. He will be there with me, and he will be with me until that day where I will be by his side in Heaven.

It says in Psalm 143:7-8 (NIV):

Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. [8] Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

I have not been reading the bible all the time, but this is what I will not forget what the Lord can do for me.


  1. Believer 6/5/2012
  2. CristoVive 6/14/2012

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