Do you always see yourself praying the same sin? Asking the same forgiveness to God? Yeah that is my current situation and is really tiring.
I am praying to Him every time to forgive me for practicing homo actions. Wait let me give you a good introduction. I’m a man and I’m turning 18 and a Christian. I always see myself praying the same sin! Oh God can you still hear me? because I’m saying the same prayer! Yes, He still hears me, my cry when I cannot speak to pray. I wanted to have a Christ centered family when I was a kiddo and even up to now, but I choose to be single because I am afraid, afraid of what? Afraid of being in a relationship. I am afraid to have commitment. As I have said earlier I practice homo actions, yeah that’s an abomination to God.
I don’t know when it all started, but all I know is that I grew up with a burden, a secret burden. I have my church ministry, but I always make sure that I prayed and asked for forgiveness to God before I do church ministry and serve Him. I sing well, I lead the people to sing at church and people are always saying that I am good at it but there’s something in me that is missing, being transparent to God. There was a time I watch porns after Sunday service, I’ve watched all categories of pornographies, yeah I did that, I enjoyed myself watching gay pornos, and even lesbian pornos because I still have the man in me but I know it’s not right.
Let me back track here. My brother, we were so close before, and as we grew up, he didn’t let me enjoy to be in his company, I had few friends before high school because we were always at the same school. And he always isolates me with his friends, I was a chubby pig kid hahaha, but I don’t consider my brother a jerk because he’s my brother and at the end of the day we are in the same house.
And I had this mind set that boys are not good friends, so don’t you try to be friends with them because I thought boys are jerks, I thought they’re like my brother that will make fun of me. but don’t worry I don’t have any probs with my brother. But I was wrong, I had many boy group troops, because my brother and I weren’t in the same school. So the story continued like that. I do like girls, but have a lil feelings for boys but I know it’s only temporary and short because every time I think about being in a relationship with a woman, it’ll be lifetime. But I always seek and ask for forgiveness to Him to be more like Jesus.
These past few weeks I tried to find friendships online, and I called them international friends and satisfied myself and then one day I just felt that there’s something missing with me, Oh no! I forgot God! I tried to find satisfactions, friendships and pleasures over online and I forgot that I already have one. I’m very sorry Lord for attempting to search and to offer friendships that I forgot you. Amen. So my prayers were like that and after disconnecting myself from my international friends, I felt alone, because I tried to offer friendships to people and I know that will be temporary, and then I prayed again, I prayed for holy spirit to dwell in me. And I’ll do my best not to do it again because it’s too dangerous, for my opinion.
Can you pray for me? Pray for me to be more like Jesus, to find satisfactions only in His holy presence, to be content with my friends, yeah I know that He designed me to be a man. And to be a man of God :) May God bless everyone.