From the darkness

I was 14. I was alone, i was depressed, i was hurting myself on the outside and the inside. I was literally punishing myself and feeling empty and i had no idea why.
Then one day, on the lowest day i’ve ever had, i felt like my entire body was empty, that my heart was broken, that i’d lost my mind. I sat in silence for hours just staring at the wall, tears streamed down my face and i have never felt so close to insanity in all my life. I was in a state of unconsciousness. I found myself sitting in front of a pile of painkillers, 4 rested in my palm and i glanced up for a split second and caught myself in the mirror. I had no idea who i was looking at. I had make-up smudged down my face, i had a huge mess of hair, i was pale, i was shaking. I looked close to death. The emptiness i felt left prangs of pain down my arms and legs, my heart felt weak and my whole body was heavy. I took one last glance at myself in the mirror and that was when i saw the postcard.
Earlier in the week i had somehow acquired a postcard that had the words ‘Prayer Helps’ on, and i had stuck it to my mirror when i had got in that day.
In my last fit of desperation to feel normal, to feel alive, i got onto my knees, i dropped the pills to the floor and i prayed. I have never prayed so hard in my entire life. I poured my heart and soul out, i sobbed, i begged, i told the lord how much i love and adore him. I have no idea how long i prayed for, i lost all concept of time. All i know is that as i was on my knees praying, the emptiness in my body that i had felt was slowly filling, my body felt warmer, i felt like i was being listened to, that i was not alone, that somebody loved me and somebody cared. I felt my sadness and my darkness leave me and i realised that i had stopped crying, my tears had dried, i was completely calm and everything that had seemed to be destroying my soul only an hour, two hours ago became trivial and pointless, i had been comforted and healed and my heart was no longer broken. Since that day i have been trying to accept my faith, trying to devote myself to Jesus and the Lord and to follow my heart. I have found it so hard, especially in adolescence, to hold back from temptation, to ignore Satan’s lies and to let Jesus into my heart. It is only now, at 17 years old that i have grown as a person enough to realise i CAN turn away from my sinful life, i CAN be the person i know i can be and i am ready to change. For myself, i am ready to fight Satan’s lies, to say no to temptation and to be a better person. The lord saved me in my greatest time of need and i shall never turn my back on him as he did not with me.

One Response

  1. mothyl 10/20/2010

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