Like with many people, in this generation especially, I didn’t grow up with my father around. I know him and I would visit him on and off during my childhood and adolescent years, but I don’t know him any more than I know another relative that I see during the holidays. He was like a “cool” uncle at most, not very fatherly. He wasn’t a disciplinarian or protector, or the other words you would typically associate with fatherhood. Now that I think about it, it could be because he didn’t feel like he had “the right” to behave in these ways because he wasn’t very active in my life, or in the lives of my siblings. He could very well have been trying to ensure that we didn’t hate him, more than trying to raise us with certain values and keep us out of harm’s way. He hardly said “no” to anything we asked, he wanted to be our friend rather than taking on the role of a father.
It wasn’t until recently that The Lord showed me how these experiences affected a lot of my life. I felt rejected by father, but I was never angry with him- until I had a friend that had a similar experience to me and she absolutely hated her father. Overtime, she encouraged me to be more angry with him and that instilled unforgiveneness and hatred in my heart towards him, which really proves the fact that we need to be careful who we allow to pour into us.
This rejection, hatred, and anger I felt towards him began to severely increase my desire to have a boyfriend. Ever since I was a young girl watching Disney princess movies, raunchy music videos, and romantic comedies I couldn’t wait until I was a “grownup” so that I could be in a relationship. I would fantasize about relationships, but the music videos I watched planted seeds in my heart that told me that I had to be a seductive woman, in order to get and keep a man. I would look at the way the men gazed at the women in these music videos, not knowing their eyes were just burning with lust and nothing remotely close to love.
This began my path down sexual immorality in different manifestations (porn, masturbation, homosexual thoughts, perversion like toys, oral, etc.). I fed myself for years with this secular music and music videos that relentlessly pushed the notion of sexual immorality and perversion and those seeds began to manifest. But the Lord, being so faithful, has kept me hidden for most of my life. I never had a lot of guys ask me out, and it was for my own good. But at the time, I didn’t understand why no one wanted to date me. I worshiped the idea of relationships, I was completely obsessed – and the Lord would not allow me to be in a relationship because I would probably bow down and worship the guy, because of the state of thinking I was in.
But there was a point where I couldn’t take it anymore and I had to find a boyfriend. So I began to compromise my values, wear less clothes, and behave just like the women I saw in these music videos. And sure enough, I began to attract men who were also dealing with sexual immorality and perversion and it lead to so much sin and turmoil. I tried to self-medicate myself with alcohol, drugs, porn, and masturbation even though I felt so dirty, ashamed, guilty afterward. But I couldn’t stop and it became such a stronghold in my life, even though I told myself and The Lord after each time and it would be the last time.
But I thank God because He reminded me that I was trying to be free in my own strength, and not rely on Him who would give me the strength to stop! He led me to a minister, and I went through deliverance and He has completely restored me and made me new. The spirit of rejection is real and it causes a lot of other spirits to operate should it go unchecked. The Lord led to me to examine my heart, so that I could see what I had been burying for years. I was afraid to go that deep into my heart, but He helped me through it.
Once I began to examine my past and just lay it at His feet, He took away all the shame, guilt and bondage of my past. I am made free and made whole through Christ!! The only way I’m going to look back now is to serve as a reminder all that God has brought me through.
Thank you, Jesus!!