Like with many people, in this generation especially, I didn’t grow up with my father around. I know him and I would visit him on and off during my childhood and adolescent years, but I don’t know him any more than I know another relative that I see during the holidays. He was like a “cool” uncle at most, not very fatherly. He wasn’t a disciplinarian or protector, or the other words you would typically associate with fatherhood. Now that I think about it, it could be because he didn’t feel like he had “the right” to behave in these ways because he wasn’t very active in my life, or in the lives of my siblings. He could very well have been trying to ensure that we didn’t hate him, more than trying to raise us with certain values and keep us out of harm’s way. He hardly said “no” to anything we asked, he wanted to be our friend rather than taking on the role of a father.
It wasn’t until recently that The Lord showed me how these experiences affected a lot of my life. I felt rejected by father, but I was never angry with him- until I had a friend that had a similar experience to me and she absolutely hated her father. Overtime, she encouraged me to be more angry with him and that instilled unforgiveneness and hatred in my heart towards him, which really proves the fact that we need to be careful who we allow to pour into us.
This rejection, hatred, and anger I felt towards him began to severely increase my desire to have a boyfriend. Ever since I was a young girl watching Disney princess movies, raunchy music videos, and romantic comedies I couldn’t wait until I was a “grownup” so that I could be in a relationship. I would fantasize about relationships, but the music videos I watched planted seeds in my heart that told me that I had to be a seductive woman, in order to get and keep a man. I would look at the way the men gazed at the women in these music videos, not knowing their eyes were just burning with lust and nothing remotely close to love.
This began my path down sexual immorality in different manifestations (porn, masturbation, homosexual thoughts, perversion like toys, oral, etc.). I fed myself for years with this secular music and music videos that relentlessly pushed the notion of sexual immorality and perversion and those seeds began to manifest. But the Lord, being so faithful, has kept me hidden for most of my life. I never had a lot of guys ask me out, and it was for my own good. But at the time, I didn’t understand why no one wanted to date me. I worshiped the idea of relationships, I was completely obsessed – and the Lord would not allow me to be in a relationship because I would probably bow down and worship the guy, because of the state of thinking I was in.
But there was a point where I couldn’t take it anymore and I had to find a boyfriend. So I began to compromise my values, wear less clothes, and behave just like the women I saw in these music videos. And sure enough, I began to attract men who were also dealing with sexual immorality and perversion and it lead to so much sin and turmoil. I tried to self-medicate myself with alcohol, drugs, porn, and masturbation even though I felt so dirty, ashamed, guilty afterward. But I couldn’t stop and it became such a stronghold in my life, even though I told myself and The Lord after each time and it would be the last time.
But I thank God because He reminded me that I was trying to be free in my own strength, and not rely on Him who would give me the strength to stop! He led me to a minister, and I went through deliverance and He has completely restored me and made me new. The spirit of rejection is real and it causes a lot of other spirits to operate should it go unchecked. The Lord led to me to examine my heart, so that I could see what I had been burying for years. I was afraid to go that deep into my heart, but He helped me through it.
Once I began to examine my past and just lay it at His feet, He took away all the shame, guilt and bondage of my past. I am made free and made whole through Christ!! The only way I’m going to look back now is to serve as a reminder all that God has brought me through.
Thank you, Jesus!!
I am a teenage male, and I went through something similar. I am glad that you made it through your trials. I think that Christians like me and you, ones that went through so much pain, are the strongest, because we know how much God’s grace really means, having gone through time without it ourselves. By the way, do you have tips on dealing with hatred and unforgiveness, because that I what I am having the most trouble dealing with right now.
Thanks for sharing. Btw, ‘knowler man’ ^^^
In regards to tips on dealing with hatred and unforgiveness, i want to share this with you – Jesus was nailed to the cross for our transgressions, for our sins like holding onto hate and not forgiving. When we hold onto our hate and unforgiveness we are like those soldiers at the cross, hitting the nails with their hammers, burying them deeper into Christs flesh. Its not worth it!!! Meditate on Gods word, fellowship with the Lord and fellow Christians. It will help you to find peace at heart. Plus, think about it – Are you willing to cost your salvation for not letting go of your hate and unforgiveness? Again, ITS NOT WORTH IT! I have to take this advice too though but yeah, hope it helps 🙂 GB. TC.
Hi knowler man!
It took awhile for me to forgive, but it starts with making the choice to do so. Yes, you have every right to be upset, but ask The Holy Spirit to help you get through it, give you understanding, and give you a new perspective of the situation. For me, The Lord revealed to me that had my father actually been in the house and stayed married to my mom, there would be a lot of arguing, contention, and no peace whatsoever. I actually had a very quiet, loving household with just my mom and my siblings- and it was actually when we went to my dad’s house did we see drunkenness, wild behavior, and just plain sin.Plus, a lot of the family members on my dad’s side of the family are ungodly and it’s tough to be around them. I would’ve been in a much darker place had I been around that 24/7, so I thank God now that he protected me from that!
I learned that in most cases, rejection is not meant to hurt us but instead it is God protecting us from something we cannot see. Ask God to help you forgive and to put love in your heart, holding onto the heaviness of grudges is never worth it, and it’s going to be a day-by-day process but choose everyday to forgive. So every time a negative thought (i.e., the enemy) comes up and reminds you of the pain, just hand it over to God and He will encourage and comfort you.
I’m praying for you!
This is exactly my life. The only difference is that my dad was never a part of it all it, it’s like he didn’t exist. The only problem is that I fell again in lust and I need deliverance.
Hi Yani,
It’s very encouraging to know that you can relate. I’m praying that you receive your deliverance – I can recommend places if you would like. I was exactly where you are last year, I kept falling. But, remember that there is no condemnation and don’t allow shame and guilt to overtake you. Ask for forgiveness, repent, and God says He will remember our sins no more. Take away whatever triggers you so that you will not be tempted, and don’t believe the lie that “you can handle it”, don’t tempt the flesh, don’t go near anything that may even arouse you a little bit. I used to think that I could handle small things but I fell every time by thinking that I was stronger than I was. And remember that God ALWAYS provides a way of escape! Take it!!
I’m praying for you!
Dear sister,
I am impressed by your testimony which focuses on the role of a good father in the life of children. This testimony also leads us to have a glimpse of the love of our Heavenly Father, whom some people, sometimes, think to be over-jealous in many things, including some harmless pleasures.
Presently I am editing a conference souvenir of Bodo Christians of the north-east India. Bodo tribe is one of the many ethnic groups living in the northeast India. The Christian community of this tribe is arranging a large spiritual gathering in the month of April in which a souvenir (book) consisting of local articles will be published. The people attending the conference will be benefitted by reading your testimony if you allow me to publish it in the souvenir. I would be glad to hear from you in this connection.
With regards
Dr. S. J. Wary
Email ID. sjwary at gmail dot com