From Confusion to Christ

I didn’t start out broken; I started out innocent.

I was eight. A goofy little girl with a best friend and a crush on a kid named Maxim, whose locker smelled weird and who made jokes about ice cream. He was French. I liked him. It was easy.

Then came Victoria.

Bossy, weird, short, and magnetic. We clicked instantly. What started out as a friendship quickly turned into something else – something I didn’t understand back then. She began spending more time with me, getting close, walking me to the bus stop, and finally asking me to a sleepover. I said yes. Why not? It was fun. We played, joked, laughed… and played truth or dare.

She dared me to kiss her.

I was a child – I didn’t understand boundaries. I didn’t know what to do. I kissed her. Then I dared her to do the same. Then… she asked me to do more. Touch her. Lick her. Places a child shouldn’t even know exist. She directed me. Told me where. And I listened. Because I didn’t know. Because I wanted to be liked. And afterward… it felt wrong. I couldn’t sleep. I just played games on my phone while she slept on my lap.

From that moment on, something shifted in me.

I stopped seeing Maxim the same way. Victoria became the center of my attention. But when I changed schools, she emotionally dumped me – left me like trash. And even though we weren’t officially together, it broke me.

Fast forward to more schools. I moved constantly. Eventually, I ended up in Aga Khan. I made friends. A boy liked me – I agreed to date him. But I felt nothing. Then came Thenjiwe—my desk mate, my best friend. We had walks after school, long talks about everything and nothing. I felt something again. But I couldn’t name it. She told me she liked a girl named Shreya, and I felt… hurt?

I didn’t know why. I didn’t even think I liked girls. But now I realize… that spirit had entered me long ago. Through Victoria.

We kept talking. Thenji and I shared secrets, inside jokes, things kids shouldn’t laugh about. Eventually, I found the courage to ask her out. And she said yes.

But I didn’t ask because I loved her. I asked because I wanted control. I wanted to feel chosen. Unlike with Victoria.

Meanwhile, I was in a boarding school–RVA–rooming with Koreans and one American, Tiara. I flirted with her. Played spin the bottle – with two people. We didn’t kiss, but we got close. I straddled her, tickled her, almost kissed her in the bathroom. But every time, something stopped me.

I didn’t know it then, but that was grace.

Tiara moved on. I felt rejected again. Lonely. I isolated myself… until Joy came in.

She didn’t like me at first. But we grew close – so close, we were inseparable. People asked, “Where’s Joy?” if I was alone, and vice versa. She started sleeping in my bed. I didn’t know what to make of it.

Meanwhile, I was still in a long-distance relationship with Thenjiwe. I started to neglect her. I was torn between two worlds – Joy and Thenji. One gave me physical closeness; the other gave me emotional comfort.

Eventually, my parents pulled me out of RVA. Thenji and I tried to make it work, but when my parents got suspicious, they took my phone. I couldn’t reach her. She thought I ghosted her. We turned on each other. She told her parents I turned her gay. I told mine she turned me.

It was ugly. We stopped speaking. I was broken again.

Then came the secret struggle no one talks about.

Masturbation.

It started quietly. A way to cope. A way to fill the loneliness. At first, it was just curiosity. Then comfort. Then… chains.

I told myself, “At least I’m not with anyone physically.” But deep down, I knew it was feeding the same spirit. It filled my mind with old fantasies. Moments with Victoria, Thenji, Joy… even scenes I didn’t want. I tried to stop, but I couldn’t. And the guilt? It was suffocating.

I didn’t feel worthy to worship. I couldn’t pray without crying. I felt like a hypocrite.

But God.

He didn’t turn His back on me.

He didn’t flinch.

He came close. Whispered to me in worship. Held me in my tears. Convicted me, not condemned me. And slowly, He began to walk me out. He taught me that deliverance isn’t just a one-time prayer, it’s a process. I learned to bring every thought captive. To confess. To fast. To pray even when I didn’t feel holy.

I let go of the things that fed my flesh – certain music, shows, conversations. And I let His Spirit take control. He rewrote my identity, piece by piece. Showed me that love isn’t found in lust. That affection isn’t intimacy. That boundaries don’t make you weak – they make you free.

I reconnected with Thenji years later. We’re not close, but we respect each other now. God healed what I thought would forever be a scar.

And now? I’m still walking. Still healing. But I’m free. Not perfect. Not immune. But free.

I no longer live under shame. I don’t wear the labels the enemy tried to tattoo on me. I am not what I’ve done. I am not what’s been done to me.

I am Aimee. Daughter of the King. Soon to be born twice, so I only die once.

I may only be 16 but God has always been faithful to me…I see people who struggle especially with homosexuality. And I used to fight what my parents told me… Now? I am redeemed…I’ve been through a lot. Every day? I still see His grace. I’m not perfect but I’m not the same…he didn’t give up on me. So, I won’t either. Jesus Christ is King and God truly loves you. Even if you don’t see it yet. He’s waiting for you. Just call to Him.

Aimee.