When I was a kid I always struggled with myself in such a way that I didn’t know my true identity in Christ. I played soccer and actually I was pretty good at it, however my parents never came to watch me play. I was bullied in elementary school and I wasn’t clever at all.
My last year in elementary school, I had a very low grade for entrance to high school that I was intended to go to the lowest of the lowest school type. Because I had a positive advice from my teachers they sent me one grade higher than I actually was supposed to belong. This I thank God for.
I wanted this relationship with Jesus and so at age 13 I chose Jesus and got baptized and I truly believe I received the Holy Spirit in my life. I went to school eager to learn and also I went to church. At a sudden point my parents struggled very bad financially and it was so bad that they ended up with nothing. No bills could be paid and bills became plenty. The electricity, water was shut down and we were told that our rent house was on execution.
I found myself being truly a child of God. I got promoted after my freshman year to a higher grade. In my 2nd year I met awesome people with whom I became friends. Little did they know how broken, devastated, empty and lonely I was but I showed the fruits of the Spirit and God was always with me.
After this awesome year with months having no electricity, see this couldn’t stop God’s plan for me. And so I got promoted again to a higher grade in my 3rd year. While in summer I remember being so lonely I often went to the field where I could play soccer. But someday “friends” weren’t there and so I went back home and this time I was on social media and a person I know posted a link to a porn site. I clicked on it and was instantly out of reality and saw a shemale masturbating, then a thought came and said try it too. And so I masturbated for the first time then I felt guilty. But the time had just started that I became addicted to it.
I began to have these sexually immoral thoughts. I really couldn’t stop this addiction, But also wasn’t aware of how much damage it can bring to a persons life. Once I went to a church sermon about sex, love and relationships and what amazed me was that the preacher said that masturbation wasn’t a sin when someone asked if it was a sin. This brought me confusion and so I still masturbated while not even having to look to porn.
I remember one day my parents had no money to go to church but I desperately was in need of God’s Word and so I offered to pay the fuel. And also one day after church I came back home and masturbated, thus I wasn’t delivered because the church I went to didn’t have deliverance, healing and holy communion. There were another church in my city were we often go too. But there they only preach grace and no repentance etc.
Starting with school. I started having terrible grades and I sure knew that I had to stop this porn addiction. So somewhere in October my youth church had a camp. After I came back from the camp I again got motivated and filled with God’s love. I started learning and my grades started rising again thus I could go the next grade (my 4th year) of high school.
In my 4th year of high school, God blessed me with a job whereby I could afford to pay my orthodontist costs and buy things I need. I was still addicted to porn but I could resist sometimes. It was a pretty hard year for me. But my faith in Jesus was so strong that I declared that I will make it. And so I made it to the 5th year of my exam year.
In my fifth year I started well and had good grades. But during a trip we went to a city and saw the red lights. This brought me into temptation and when I was home I started having urges and this sexual urges led me back to sin. I ended up with bad grades for my exam and didn’t pass the exam. I told the teacher/leader of the teachers that I was depressed and instead of repeating the exam year at the same school, I decided to go to an adult school meant for adults who don’t have a diploma yet. I quite my job and ended with nothing.
After all I started feeling depressed and ashamed. I did not want my old classmates/friends to see me, actually I mostly isolated myself. I also heard that the church I used to go collapsed, division came. But however I could go to a wedding and so this was an opportunity to be social. So I went with my youth pastor from the church that was collapsed/divided and with my brother and sisters.
When I came back from vacation, my whole life changed. I instantly started hearing noises (tinnitus) in my ear this drove me to deep depression and I was now seeing myself as wanting to be dead, contemplating suicide. The schoolyear 2014-2015, I was going to an adult school meant for people without any qualification. I still had tinnitus, depression, loneliness and shame. I didn’t do my final exams. And so I repeated again that year at the same school.
The schoolyear 2015/2016, I tried to stay and have fellowship with Jesus. However, begin November I was admitted to a mental hospital. It wasn’t going well with me apparently. I had thoughts that people of my own family were ploting to kill me or even that they were possessed by a demon. My parents called church members when I got a psychose, at that moment I couldn’t think right, I thought that people were possessed by demons so I would become very aggressive and fight. But they couldn’t help me and so I was admitted to the mental hospital (my experience in the psych ward will be continued).
When I was released from the mental hospital, I went back home. I noticed that I didn’t go outside for a week thus I wanted to go outside but my parents closed the door with their keys now I wasn’t able to go outside and my own keys were lost. When I asked my dad to open the door for me he went upstairs in the room and closed the door blocked it with a table and I could just hear my mom calling the psych support team.
So the police came and I had to go to a psych ward for the 2nd time, I HAD DONE LITERALLY NOTHING. After my extended time in the pysch ward the jurist decided that I could go home but with taking my medications. When I came back home I joined a youth group from church and so I met new friends. And from there I just thanked God and I tried to finish my schoolwork, but I couldn’t and so I decided to repeat again that adult school.
I didn’t know how I was going to manage financially with everything so I prayed for a job. Now I can start working again at a local supermarket. At a sudden point, I started having feelings of a bleeding in my head/face, some liquid was floating in my head/face and I couldn’t bear it anymore, so I went to the emergency doctor. He wanted to send me to a mental hospital, so two other doctors came to see me. But God was with me because I just described that I was having pain to the two other doctors who came to see how I was doing, they discussed and found that I had pain so the doctor prescribed me a medicine and even to get that medicine at the medicine supply center was difficult, I had to wait such a long time and even the police appeared to check out.
After all I went home with my prescribed medicine, after days I still had this feeling of liquid floating in my face/head and I also became very tired and couldn’t barely open my eyes. I heard of a healing miracle meeting at a church where they know about the supernatural it was near my city, so I went there and an elder of the church prayed for me. After I went home I felt better and better, thank you Jesus. Now I witnessed that all things are possible with God, I even became free of sexual immorality, however in my dream I masturbated.
I suddenly knew that the devil had once again been attacking me. So when I woke up I instantly got sexual urges to masturbate and watch porn and I even almost gave over to porn and masturbation again, but somehow I knew that this is not what God wants me to do, so I got the strength to quite and even heard God say that I should fast.
So I thank you Lord for saving me once again. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. I am a child of God. And now I know that God wants me to grow and have a strong relationship with Him, because without Him I can’t have victory. I know am speaking the word of God over my life in Jesus name. I continue the race of faith in Jesus name.
Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
(Hebrews 12:1).
