A little background about my story…
I just turned 26, May 2016 and I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years now. So, I’ve been struggling with a torturing spirit since August 2015. Growing up in a Christian home I knew better to have sex before marriage. (In fact, I vowed to not have sex and use to get joke my senior year of HS because I was still a virgin). But I guess since I experienced a lot of foolishness within the church as a teenager, I drifted away from church but always acknowledge God.
Well in August of last year I decided to rededicate my life to Christ. Around the same time, it literally hit me like a ton of bricks how horribly I drifted away from the word of God. It was as if I stepped back and looked at my entire life and instantly started to weep very badly. I couldn’t believe how I got to this place in my life. As a child I was soooo close to God.
So of course, like every year I get my annual done (Pap smear/std testing). Well around this time, for whatever reason, it dawned on me I could be at risk for STD simply because I had sex before marriage. (Mind you I’m in school for nursing and learn about so much) Not because I thought my bf was cheating; it was simply because I sinned and my life wasn’t pleasing to God.
So I started googling symptoms of HIV, herpes, etc! Literally everything, and I would cry all day and all night from fear and guilt!! I had similar symptoms to what I googled and that made it worst. I immediately went to my local health clinic and got tested…everything came back negative!! I WAS RELIEVED AND PRAISED GOD!!! I thought everything would be normal and my life would return back.
Well It didn’t, because I googled so much, everything was embedded in my head and all I heard was a voice that said “THINGS CAN LAY DORMANT, JUST WAIT UNTIL NEXT YEAR TESTING, YOU HAD SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE DO YOU REALLY THINK YOUR CLEAN” it was a horrible torturing spirit that constantly reminded me of my sins! I lived my life in fear of having these diseases! I could never sleep and hated school bc all I would learn about is disease which put more fear within me.
During this time i stayed close to friends that were spirit strong and stayed in church. The torturing spirit went on for a long time but then lightened up. Now, it’s been over a year and I didn’t return for my testing! For
- I lost insurance due to me turning 26
- FEAR
- How could I ever tell my bf if I did have something!!!
(Rewind) Back in 2013, I went to the ER for vaginal problems. They did a herpes culture test to make sure it wasn’t that and it came back negative!!! I conquered that fear!!! (So I though)
However, during the time I was googling everything, I read herpes can lay dormant and culture tests aren’t 100%! Those fears of having herpes resurfaced!!!! The symptoms eventually went away but last year, symptoms kept reappearing and I would go to my GYN but the symptoms would be gone by the time I got to her! She kept saying it’s not herpes nor am I concerned with it being that!
My biggest disappointment was I thought the entire time I was getting tested for EVERYTHING! All these years!!! I didn’t know the only test they didn’t test for was herpes! So they only hope I had was the herpes test the ER did. Essentially, I’ve been tested for every STD once and it all came back negative!
I’m just really scared because I keep having symptoms of what looks like herpes and so I just accepted the fact that, that’s what it is! So now, I’m just praying for God to heal me! My bf knew about the torture, but I left that behind me, he keeps telling me everything’s ok but the more I have vaginal irritation the more I persuade myself I have it.
So instead of getting embarrassed by getting a blood test done I’m just gonna assume that it is! All the symptoms are there. The fear is obviously still there of STDs bc I have symptoms! I just want to be set free! I’ve never been this way until last year. I have frequent dizziness so I’m always googling…my bf lost 12lbs and I was freaking out wondering if it was associated with a disease! It’s just bad! Please pray for me!!!
Hi shalom
I’ll pray for you that you overcome this unnatural fear. Please be reminded ” …God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7
Stay blessed!!
Hi Shalom
The Word says that God is no respector of persons. He shows no favoritism. He loves you so much and has called you to be free. Whenever those thoughts come at you pull out your sword-the sword of the spirit which is the word of God – start speaking out loud the word over yourself
Jesus said in Mark 5:34
“Daughter your Faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering”
By His stripes we are healed!
I pray the perfect peace of Jesus over you and over your boyfriend. He will speak to you if you listen and ask honest questions!
I pray for you and know that God loves you truly he will never forsake you. I pray you feel his presence, love and reassurance. May God bless you. Amen.
If you are still sexually active then stop. The Bible says that fornicators, fornication which is sex outside of marriage, will not enter the kingdom of God. (1 Cor. 6:9) . If you are actively sinning then repent and stop. Active sin allows the enemy to bother you because you’re on his turf. If you are still sexually active then stop, repent, turn from your sin and ask God for His grace, which is His strength to stop sinning. And if your boyfriend is not a believer, and you’ve been sleeping with him, then you need to break off the relationship because we are not to be yoked with unbelievers (2 Cor 6:14).
Secondly , like someone else posted, God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind (2 Tim 1:7) so this fear is not from God. As someone who’s struggled with fear her whole life I can relate. I have good days and bad days but we fight not against flesh and blood but the powers and principalities of the air (Eph. 6:12) and it’s all fought with prayer and faith and praying and speaking scripture which is God’s word. Reject the symptoms that you’re having and ask God to send His angels to fight against the enemy for you. There are such a thing as lying symptoms that the enemy sends us to cause fear and confusion.
Jesus said that He is the way the TRUTH and the life (John 14:6) and that Satan is a liar and has been since the beginning (John 8:44). He also causes fear. So ask God to reveal to you the truth and give you wisdom on how to pray about all this , remember that God is generous with giving wisdom (James 1:5) and He loves you (Romans 8:37-39).