Fear of Disease

A little background about my story…

I just turned 26, May 2016 and I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years now. So, I’ve been struggling with a torturing spirit since August 2015. Growing up in a Christian home I knew better to have sex before marriage. (In fact I vowed to not have sex and use to get joke my senior year of HS because I was still a virgin). But I guess since I experienced a lot of foolishness within the church as a teenager I drifted away from church but always acknowledge God.

Well in August of last year I decided to rededicate my life to Christ. Around the same time, it literally hit me like a ton of bricks how horribly I drifted away from the word of God. It was as if I stepped back and looked at my entire life and instantly started to weep very badly. I couldn’t believe how I got to this place in my life. As a child I was soooo close to God.

So of course, like every year I get my annual done (Pap smear/std testing). Well around this time, for whatever reason, it dawned on me I could be at risk for STD simply because I had sex before marriage. (Mind you I’m in school for nursing and learn about so much) Not because I thought my bf was cheating; it was simply because I sinned and my life wasn’t pleasing to God.

So I started googling symptoms of HIV, herpes, etc! Literally everything, and I would cry all day and all night from fear and guilt!! I had similar symptoms to what I googled and that made it worst. I immediately went to my local health clinic and got tested…everything came back negative!! I WAS RELIEVED AND PRAISED GOD!!! I thought everything would be normal and my life would return back.

Well It didn’t, because I googled so much, everything was embedded in my head and all I heard was a voice that said “THINGS CAN LAY DORMANT, JUST WAIT UNTIL NEXT YEAR TESTING, YOU HAD SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE DO YOU REALLY THINK YOUR CLEAN” it was a horrible torturing spirit that constantly reminded me of my sins! I lived my life in fear of having these diseases! I could never sleep and hated school bc all I would learn about is disease which put more fear within me.

During this time i stayed close to friends that were spirit strong and stayed in church. The torturing spirit went on for a long time but then lightened up. Now, it’s been over a year and I didn’t return for my testing! For

  1. I lost insurance due to me turning 26
  2. FEAR
  3. How could I ever tell my bf if I did have something!!!

(Rewind) Back in 2013, I went to the ER for vaginal problems. They did a herpes culture test to make sure it wasn’t that and it came back negative!!! I conquered that fear!!! (So I though)

However, during the time I was googling everything, I read herpes can lay dormant and culture tests aren’t 100%! Those fears of having herpes resurfaced!!!! The symptoms eventually went away but last year, symptoms kept reappearing and I would go to my GYN but the symptoms would be gone by the time I got to her! She kept saying it’s not herpes nor am I concerned with it being that!

My biggest disappointment was I thought the entire time I was getting tested for EVERYTHING! All these years!!! I didn’t know the only test they didn’t test for was herpes! So they only hope I had was the herpes test the ER did. Essentially I’ve been tested for every STD once and it all came back negative!

I’m just really scared bc I keep having symptoms of what looks like herpes and so I just accepted the fact that, that’s what it is! So now, I’m just praying for God to heal me! My bf knew about the torture but I left that behind me, he keeps telling me everything’s ok but the more I have vaginal irritation the more I persuade myself I have it.

So instead of getting embarrassed by getting a blood test done I’m just gonna assume that it is! All the symptoms are there. The fear is obviously still there of STDs bc I have symptoms! I just want to be set free! I’ve never been this way until last year. I have frequent dizziness so I’m always googling…my bf lost 12lbs and I was freaking out wondering if it was associated with a disease! It’s just bad! Please pray for me!!!

5 Comments

  1. Yosief 10/12/2016
  2. Montana 10/15/2016
  3. Ashley 10/21/2016
  4. nmc 10/23/2016
  5. Staci 11/5/2016

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