Hi, I have been a believer for sometime now. I have been active in my church until my dad got sick and died because of cancer. Since then I felt cold. I felt so devastated by it and got traumatized from a lost. I tried to seek God once again and while I was in that process, I had a crisis about myself on what to do with my life now and family as well as with my boyfriend for more than 5 years. He wanted to marry me but I told him that the timing was off because of my father’s death. I asked for a breather so cooled off for awhile and got back together but then since I was having my crisis, I needed to leave the country for awhile to think things over.
When I got back, I realized how much my boyfriend means to me and to my life. Just in the midst that I was feeling God in my life again, my boyfriend broke up with saying that he fell out of love. After a month saying that he wanted to get married. Before the break up, we were working things out between us. But then he told me that when I was gone he was detaching himself from me involuntarily because he doesn’t want to get hurt again since the last cool off happened. He felt insecure about my plans of leaving the country to work, that he couldn’t do anything about it even he didn’t want me to go. He told me that he’s been holding on to his defense mechanism of not loving me anymore because he was so hurt from the cool off.
He is very active in church by the way, he is a worship leader. I just feel that I am in wrenching pain, I am still grieving from a lost now I am losing my boyfriend who I thought we will end up getting married. He told me that it will be best for us to move on. He wanted to fix himself first so he wont be able to hurt anyone else anymore. I feel so deceived. Just when the time that I was willing to work things out with him, he just gave up. I don’t know how to move on, I know that God has something in store for me and also for him, but I am in a cross road, battling with my emotions of heart broken and trying to understand things. I’ve been seeking God since the break up, but one way or another, my emotions is killing me. I want to understand me ex but I feel so clueless. How can a man fall out of love wherein he was the one insisting to get married.
I asked God about this and got nothing. He kept himself busy with ministry and fellowship, but me left behind because we have the same circles of friend in church and outside church. I don’t know if he feels the same pain I have now but moving on because he has to. I don’t know what else to pray for, I ask for grace and strength for Him. I want him back so bad and I am still waiting for him. I still want to end my life with him despite the pain. How will I be able to understand God’s will knowing that I lost the 2 important men in my life?
Please help me understand God better. I have no one to talk to right now but God. But I don’t feel him speaking to me. I am believing that he will reveal his word to me soon, but the enemy don’t want to stop from putting back some memories I had with my ex. we’ve been together for almost 6 years. I don’t know how will I be able to move on. I asked him back once but he declined, he said that he need his time. There are no third party involved. God can attest to that.
Please help my brothers and sisters in Christ.
I don’t want to give in to the enemy on doing things worldly.
I feel that I am in a battlefield.