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Did I Mess Up Gods Will?

My fiancée and I have been having fights, got to a point that we ended up breaking up, but I was the one that broke up with her. After I told her that I didn’t want to marry her, she said “fine” and then was about to give me the ring back, I was so mad at her that when it was halfway off her finger that I went to get it, she resisted and when she did it all happened so fast, I got the ring back, but she accuses me of grabbing her, being aggressive and shaking her. I don’t remember doing any of that, I was still upset after wards that I smacked her phone out of her hand. She was not using it or anything she was only holding it, I didn’t smack her hand or anything just the phone. I am not an abuser, I normally don’t do things like this, the reason why I acted like this was because it was a whole year of her saying things to me that were not right when we would get into arguments and almost each time she would tell me that she needs time of no contact so that she can figure out if she wants to be with me or not.

It got to a point that I didn’t want to fight with her or else I would lose her and risk having her parents tell her that they don’t want us to be together. She is very close with her parents to the point that when there are fights, she tells them what we fought about, I would have a problem with that because I understand you are close, but the details of our fights should be confidential. Every once in while I don’t mind the telling of the details, but not all the time, even though she is not saying everything. On the day I broke up with her, the next day her parents come to my house to tell me that they want me to not talk to her anymore, she also does not want me to talk to her anymore. She is 33 and I’m 37, she deletes me from Facebook on the day we break up. but I was able to see her profile still because she has not blocked me. Three weeks passes by and I’m feeling really bad, I kept seeing on Facebook that she was feeling heartbroken, but would not say what she is feeling heartbroken about, but I know it was because of our break up. I wanted to tell her that when I said to her that I didn’t want to marry her, I didn’t mean it, and that I was sorry for all that I did.

Our church is a new church, we don’t have a building its just a home church with 7 members. My pastor suggested that I don’t go because it will be very awkward if im there, in my talks with my pastor I told him that I wanted to give her a letter of apology for what I did. He told her about that letter, and she either said she does not want the letter or she does not want the letter now, I don’t remember what my pastor told me exactly what she said. But she does not want any contact with me. I wanted to get a few things off my chest and let her know that I didn’t mean to tell her that I didn’t want to be with her. So yesterday I saw her and spoke to her face to face, at first she was ok to talk to, she asked me how I have been and I told her that I was fine, then I asked her if we can talk. She said that she has nothing to say, I told her that I didn’t mean to break up with her and say that she needs to grow up and that I can get somebody better to be with me, I was mad. Then I told her that I still wanted to marry her, she said “That’s not going to happen, you took something so good about this relationship and you messed it up. I’m done” As she was talking she was getting more and more upset, then she said “Don’t try to make this better by saying you are sorry, sorry does not cut it anymore, and my parents have told you that to not come near me” I told her that I was not trying anything, all that I wanted to do was apologize.” I told her bye and then walked away. Today I was on Facebook, and I see now that she has completely blocked me, I know her wish was for me not go near her, all I wanted to do was apologize. Does it look like she thinks that I dont respect her and her parents wishes. If this is Gods will for her and me to be married, did I mess it up from ever happening.