Disclaimer: I want to make it VERY clear that I have never touched a child or viewed child pornography.
From around the age of 12, I realized that I was attracted to other males. However, what I also realized is that I was attracted to young boys. At first I didn’t even realize that it was a sexual attraction, I thought that the weird feeling I felt toward young boys was normal. This allowed Satan to firmly plant in me the addiction to this unholy lust. At first it seemed innocent enough, I thought about being with young boys and holding them, nothing explicitly sexual.
The devil tricked me, while I still a child myself he tricked me into thinking that this behavior was normal, I thought that I just had a unique love for children. By the time I was 13 I began to indulge these fantasies through masturbation, and that is what really enforced this addiction. Around the time that I started masturbating to these thoughts was around when I came to my senses and realized that this was by no means normal or innocent, but by then it was too late. Satan had already rooted in me deeply the evil spirit of sexual attraction to children.
By the time I was 15, I was filled with so much self-loathing because of this evil spirit living inside me that I entered into a deep depression. I often prayed to God to deliver me from this evil spirit that was controlling me, that seemed to be choking my very soul, but I never received deliverance, so I figured that either God was not real, or that he did not care about me.
I went far away from God, at 18 I began living a life filled with drugs and alcohol. I came out as a homosexual and began to try to distract myself from my attraction to boys by having sex with guys my own age. At first it seemed to work, but eventually I always fell back to the evil spirit dwelling inside me by indulging myself with fantasies of boys. I was a slave to it.
I knew deep down that I never ever wanted to hurt a child, and that I never would, but the very fact that I was aroused by something that I found disgusting at the same time utterly destroyed my soul. I completely hated myself. I thought about killing myself in hopes of doing the world a favor.
I spent hours in my dorm room just laying in bed, thinking, contemplating life, thinking of ways to rid myself of this unholy addiction. Marijuana worked for a little while, alcohol worked a little bit, and having sex with guys my own age worked for a little bit, but in the end, the spirit always overtook me and I would once again give into it and indulge it in fantasy.
One night, after laying in bed for hours, unable to go to sleep, I felt as if I really wanted to die. I saw no point to my existence, no matter what I did, no matter where I went, I would always have this evil living inside of me. I thought that I was just stuck with this, that this was the hand that I was dealt. At this time, I was about ready to fold, that is, kill myself. I cried out to God one last time and said
“If you are real, save me!”
I felt a sense of peace, and then I had this thought “Cry out to Jesus.” So I did, and instantly my spirit was renewed. God’s presence filled the room and I wept at how dirty a sinner I was, even if nobody but me and God knew. I wept and wept, but tears of guilt turned into tears of joy because of God’s great love for a sinner like me! I woke up a new man because I had received the holy spirit, however my story isn’t over yet.
Although I was born again, I still had sin living in me, sin that God needed to cleanse me of. My lust became more focused towards an attraction to men, but still there was this attraction to children living inside of men. I went for weeks asking God to just rid me of it, to just make me clean and holy before him so that I could do his will, but still I had this thing living inside me.
At my church, I heard something that Jesus said, “If the son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” I thought to myself, I am not free, how can Jesus say this? Then I realized that God had already set me free, and it was my lack of faith that was keeping me from being delivered from this evil spirit. I prayed every night and fought every single temptation to fantasize about children with in the name of Jesus Christ. If I felt like I was about to be overwhelmed, I would cry out Jesus name and demand that in Jesus name the spirit would leave me alone. I did pretty well for a couple weeks and really noticed that there was a change beginning in me. However, one night I gave into to my lust and indulged in a fantasy.
Afterwards, I felt utterly defeated. I prayed on my knees to God that he would wound this evil spirit, that it was too powerful for me to battle. I went to bed feeling hopeless and defeated. That night, I had a dream involving children sexually. I woke up in a panic and began to think “what a disgusting dream I had, God why would you allow me to have such a dream!” Then suddenly, I rejoiced! Something had just happened that had never happened before. After having the dream, instead of fantasizing and lusting after it, I was utterly disgusted by it! From that moment, I was completely set free from my evil spirit!
You must EXPECT God to free you from your sin, you must expect it because he promises us that he will! From that moment on Satan has tried to tempt me in every way but God has strengthened me so much, I am now completely free of that spirit! When it tries to attack me, I see it coming from a mile away and I smash it with the sword of the spirit.
The bible says submit yourselves to God, resist the devil and he will flee from you! If you defeat Satan in battle once, he will attack again, and again, and again, he is seemingly relentless. But eventually, he gives up, because he knows that he cannot win against God.
The path to deliverance is through God but we have to do our part as well! We have to have faith that God is working for the good of those that love him! And by faith I mean in our actions AND our thoughts! By not indulging those evil lusts even for a second and by continually praying! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! If we are faithful in not giving in to our lust, God will deliver us completely! Thank God for his awesome power to save a sinner like me! Don’t for a second believe that you cannot overcome whatever sin or evil you are living with! God is powerful! In Jesus’ name we can cast out demons and evil spirits, do not forget that!
If you are struggling with pedophilia, homosexuality, or any other lust remember this! You HAVE to do your part. If you are struggling with homosexual thoughts and you ask God to make you not homosexual, you have to make a conscious effort to not indulge in the pleasures of the flesh. This means not letting lust in, even for a second, and especially no masturbating! Lust is reinforced so strongly through this act!
Also, God will not replace one lust for another! If you ask God to deliver you from lust of the same sex or of children or whatever, do not think for a minute that God will send you off to lust after the opposite sex! All lust is sin! Marriage is about love, and sex is a wonderful way to express that love!
Thank you Lord for saving a sinner like me! Allow this testimony to reach the heart of at least one person!