Serious Woman, silhouette

I Lived in the Dark and Hardest Times

Writing this testimony, really no words, just tears because nothing can describe what my Father, my everything, my first love and best friend since my mother’s womb who showed me a lot of mercy and grace and stayed with me and did a complete 360 in my life. Before my relationship with Him I lived in the dark and hardest times with my life basically falling apart just being a promiscuous and adulterous teen being a slave to sin due watching and exposed myself gay porn at 8 to 18 years old due to being touched at 4 years old when I first moved to Az. I battled with suicide / suicidal tendencies and struggled with my sexuality from 13-18 years and broken relationships with guys who just like my body and easily took advantage because I was naive and was looking for love in wrong places and doing things that I was not supposed to do and backwards.

How I came to know Christ was when I was younger, I went to church, but I never knew God for myself. And even though my family were Christians, and my dad is a deacon in a church, but I still didn’t know God for myself. So, I was living in darkness especially when I watched and exposed myself to pornography / sexual perversion due to being touched at 4 which led to an addiction to pornography for 10 years straight and ended up liking both boys and girls because of that.

Later in middle school battled with suicidal thoughts / tendencies ended up got diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 13 because at that point I was over life due to so many things happening during that time. So, the doctors placed me in a behavioral hospital. And then things started to get worse from there even though I was spoiled growing up and did extracurricular activities I just love and craved the attention from different guys and girls being and talking seductively / pleasing them over the phone because I was trying to fill a void in my heart to heal myself from my past trauma and previously almost 2 year relationship because I wanted to be love by a guy and one day be married.

But I never did realize at the time it wasn’t love. Instead it was just us lusting over each other and me taking nude pictures sending it to them to keep them happy and satisfied with me and dressing promiscuous just to get loved by someone for not them being bored of me, mostly for guys leading up to freshman year of college where I got out of a relationship that was mentally abusive and toxic that lasted for a 1 year and 8 months due to being cheated on before college began and not being treated the way I deserve too.

So, then after that I send nudes again to move on to different people next after next and including men who I didn’t know were married. And I thought I was healing but it turned out for the worst. And what I realized now my wakeup call from God to stop behaving like an adulteress when a girl who I thought was my “friend” and I kinda did have a crush on her at the time ended up taking over my IG account and leaking my nudes to ppl which almost got police involved including getting kicked out of med school due to terrible grades which during that time just wanted to disappear from the world because I didn’t know how deal with that. And during that time, I still on dating apps tinder, wizz and hinge at 18.

Spring break 2023 when I decided I wanted a relationship with God when I  was out of college for months because of academic problems which lead to being withdrawn from med school for couple months. I was so tired of living for the world, very heartbroken and lost because all I just wanted to be loved by someone and be married one day with a family of my own that stuck together through hard times. So I was not happy at the world because I kept getting taken advantage of by others and being a side chick when I knew I was more than that.

So that day changed my life for the better truly because I decided from my heart to devote myself to the Lord only and have that relationship with Him. I first cut off my secular music from my life, people who didn’t benefit my walk with Him and stopped cussing completely and then started being in my word more daily, started doing the Bible study with others and on my own mostly with the Lord and then started to listen to sermons as well which lead up to me giving my life to Christ and surrendering to Him in May of 2023 which next month is a whole year.

All I can say really is thank you God for helping truly for getting me out of darkness, especially being a young woman living for God and being a light because a whole year now living for the Father this year knowing soon I will make it to whole year in this summer of being saved. And now I’m in of 3rd semester of med school and continuing daily devoting and dying to myself daily to the Lord / serving Him as now I’m able by the help of the Lord by my side and using me as his vessel to help, love, encourage and bring peace and mentor those who started in their walk with Christ. And despite the temptations and shortcomings that came my way and in my walk overall I’m very thankful that God gives me strength to continue in this journey and continue working with me daily knowing that I’m now 20 into this new beginning of adulthood.

I’m still walking with God this new year even though I struggle at times I know now I’m forgiven, set free, delivered and healed from past emotional hurt wounds, the addiction to gay pornography which I’ve been clean from for about a year almost 2, promiscuous ways, being naive and letting people walk all over me. And God is teaching me how to love Him and serve others to the point where I’m okay with being alone with Him along with knowing how to set boundaries when it comes to meeting people and healed from the mental abuse coming from mostly from my ex by the power of The Holy Spirit & delivered from pride, control, negative thoughts, lust, (porn and sexual perversion / thoughts), liking girls, anxiety, depression, rejection, doubt, fear of letting people in my life, anger, help me to forgive myself and my ex for what he did to me which grateful for that, suicidal thoughts and deception from the enemy.

Daily just very grateful to the point where at times I cry because how the Lord from the span of months delivered me from all these things that were holding me in bondage. Help me be a survivor of suicide for almost 7 years which I know my 13 -18-year-old self is proud of me, help me have and learn self-control with my hypersexual desires even though I may fall short at times God forgives me and helps me back up.

Also, one thing I really learned from my walk with God, He helps me to never regret anything of my past or the things I done that were sinful because everything happens for a reason as part of his plan to lead me to Him at the end of the day. And he died so I can be free from it and to never be so quick to say yes to anything you are not sure of yet. Instead, be diligent about it and think things through because that’s the right way to go about things.

I pray that the Holy spirit touches your heart as you read this to let others know that Christ can heal you of your issues if you fully surrender to Him and give Him your heart today.

So, anyone who is currently struggling with a lust / pornography addiction or mental health issues know there’s hope found in Christ. He is waiting with loving and open arms and His mercy and grace are made new daily. Remember there’s light at the end of the tunnel and healing in your life for God is never against us but for us and he can deliver you from it and make you whole again.

One Response

  1. Alison 6/12/2024

Leave a Reply