I have always been one to appear to have it all together on the outside, but on the inside I am hurting, struggling, lost. I have to let people see the deepest parts of me before they trust me and are willing to reveal the deepest parts of them thus building a true, deep connection.
The deepest part of me is my story, my testimony.
Background: I’ve always grown up in church, I have awesome Godly parents, I have a ‘go-getter’ brother, I have great friends, I have a very close extended family (aunts, uncles, great gma), and I have a great home. I am so, so blessed in this matter.
It has always been laid on my parent’s hearts to be involved in start-up churches. The churches that start in an elementary school on a Saturday night, move to Sunday morning, buy property, build a building, and have their own facility. We have been involved in 2 of these. So, I never had a church home or a great youth group, but I did attend church every Sunday even though I always dreaded it.
In high school, I had four girl friends. I had a close knit circle, and nobody was allowed in. We began this friendship by getting drunk our sophomore year of high school. One of my friends legit developed alcohol poisoning, none of us had ever drank before. We continued this friendship all the way through high school. Partying, drinking, honestly I have even done marijuana a few times. Besides these 4 friends, I dated one person all 4 years of high school and we broke up before I came to college. We had always been committed to waiting until we got married to have sex. But on our 3 year anniversary, we basically already had our wedding planned out so we thought ‘why wait?’ So we did the dirty and continued to do it until we broke up. And I kid you not, every. single. time. I sat in church I felt an immense sense of guilt. From the partying, drinking, drugs, sex. No wonder I never felt God. I never asked him to forgive me and I never turned away from these things.
Once the relationship I had ended, I continued in my sinful ways. I thought that in college you had to party to make friends. I went out every single Thursday, Friday, Saturday during my freshman year. I have even blacked out in the EndZone. I was so completely lost. I had nights that I felt so alone that I literally cried all night long. The first semester of college was by far the hardest period of my life. Then I met some people (actually sisters in Phi Mu) that started attending Browns Bridge with me. Browns Bridge did a series on “What do you really want?” And God spoke to me throughout this series and I knew 100% this life was not what I really wanted. I prayed, I was forgiven, and I turned away. I know the power of the Lord and as long as you are in constant communication with him, your desires will change. I call this my ‘180.’
I started a diet where I had to give up alcohol for 40 days. It was so hard, but I did it and I have had no desire to drink since. No desire to party, do drugs, have sex. Nothing. Granted, I have messed up. But it was not my true desire to do these things. It was earthly influences and the devil in my ear.
I am continuously working on my relationship with God, and I am absolutely the farthest thing from perfect.
But now, the devil has brought a new challenge to me. As many of you know, I’ve tried every diet/workout plan/fast etc. you could find. In April of 2017, my head started to fill will the thoughts of throwing up everything I ate. I did it a few times and it was fine. I didn’t think much about it. But then it continued and I became a bulimic. Anytime I would have ice cream, milkshakes, or anything that wasn’t “healthy” to me, I would immediately throw it up. This would happen up to 10-12 times a day sometimes up to 4 times a week. It destroyed me – I became obsessed with fasting (not eating for an entire day), obsessed with healthy foods, I would go to the gym for 4+ hours, the disease of bulimia and all of the side effects took over my life.
Until my really good pals confronted me. This went on for approximately 6 months and not a single person knew. Thanks to them, I am seeking counseling and getting better. I don’t know what I would do without them confronting me.
So, this is me. My deepest parts.
Feel free to email me (chlbrrt at gmail dot com) I will new pals, questions, and Dunkin’ Iced Coffee.