A little over 2 years ago now I came to be obedient to Christ. I had accepted him when I was young, but as an adult I had a true revelation of God through Christ then. When it happened, my world was changed. I stopped hanging out, stopped smoking marijuana, and just really wanted to live a life pleasing to God. I wanted His will.
During this time, my boyfriend and I broke up. I was very hurt by it, but because I wanted God’s will so bad–I believed that whatever was happening was His will. Well, the feelings I had for him never went away.
I thought about him a lot and prayed for him. Eventually I fasted asking God why I felt this way and what to do, and God told me that him and I were meant to be. I couldn’t believe it, but it explained why I felt so deeply. In the natural, I really had no reason to.
A year went by with him and I talking here and there. I stayed prayerful and God began to give me signs and wonders in reference to him and other areas of my life. But I was also very focused in, on, and with God. I trusted Him for everything, and I just yearned to grow deeper in relationship with Him.
At the time, I was also unemployed. Under instruction of God, I had picked up a few part time jobs, but I believed God was and is showing me my true purpose, so he hadn’t placed me into anything full-time. I have been diligent with my money and just learning biblical practices and trying to apply them all over my life. I had even ran for an elected position, and that was a dream to me. I couldn’t and still can’t believe what God brought out of me through those processes.
During the year that my boyfriend and I weren’t together, his main issue was because we couldn’t have sex and how my “new” relationship with God and religious lifestyle (according to him, church mostly) had changed me and my conversation. He is saved, but just haven’t really had that true revelation of Christ nor who he is in Christ.
So he really didn’t get it. Eventually, God moved and about 6 months ago he said that he really didn’t want to lose me and that he wanted to try our relationship without sex. I have seen such growth in him since. But, we did have sex a few times. Each time, I would feel so bad and him and I would pray afterward, but it kept happening.
Now, it hasn’t happened anywhere near the way it would have had we been “free” to fornicate…but nevertheless, it happened. I found out recently that I’m pregnant. So much has changed, he has begun to come to church with me and is more open to hear the word of God, but he’s still not where I would want my boyfriend to be.
Does that make sense?
Throughout the process of getting close to God, I became attracted to men of God. Not that anyone is perfect, but someone who knew the importance of praise, worship, prayer, and sacrifice, became my desire. It’s only because I believe God that I got back with my boyfriend (God saying we are meant to be). And I don’t regret doing so–God has revealed him to me in many different and intimate ways that it has been confirmed in my spirit that our relationship is God’s design….But now that I’m pregnant, not only do I have extreme guilt for what I have done, but fear of what will happen, what God thinks of me, all circle through my mind.
I know that God still loves me, I know He knows my heart–but is this my punishment? I also feel bad about not wanting to be pregnant, because it’s just my current financial situation and marital status that has me so regretful. My boyfriend is happy and wants a family. He wants to get married. Somehow, I just feel stuck.
I remember a season when I started becoming busier with work and running for office and I felt like God was weaning me off of Him. I no longer had as much time to meditate on His word, or at least in the way I use to…I would take long walks near the water and sit and write. It’s like I was being thrust into the “real world” and I begged God to let me stay with him. I had a revelation then that God was sending me out…and look what happened when I went out?
I know I just need to walk in faith…and I can truly say I feel very humbled. I can’t believe I messed up like this. I just don’t see how all of this is going to work out for my good…
Can anyone relate?
I was in a similar situation but my advice to u is that no matter how much we want our loved ones to be touched by Christ, it will not happen unless that person makes themselves available. I had a boyfriend who also did not understand my journey with Christ and the more i stayed with Him the more i ended up sinning through fornicating. God might will you to be with that person but God will never will us to sin therefore i stepped away from the relationship hoping that time would help the guy get closer to God. Dont focus on the guy but focus on God… and He will deal with ur boyfriend… in terms of being pregnant even though it might seem like punishment a child is a blessing. Just try not to fall into the same traps because the enemy always uses the same tactics… Try ur best not to fornicate until u are married cos with me that was my weakness until i decided that i could not keep mocking God by taking His mercy for granted!! I will remember u in my prayers xx
My prayers are with you. I was unwed and pregnant when I came to Christ. Finding the Lord was an unbelievable experience. But at the same time I was living with the father of my child and had no where to go. I dealt with the guilt daily. But I was taking a stand to save myself until married. He was devastated by this decision. We already had a child, and had been together for a few years. But I knew deep within my heart that I wanted to please the father more than pleasing him. Yes there were ‘slip ups’ and I found myself so angry afterward. At my fiance’ and myself. I told him I could no longer live like this. We had no reason to not marry. We were madly in love with each other, and had been engaged…. so we married 8 months after our child was born. But let me tell you. It was difficult. I was growing further and further in the Lord. Accepting ministry, and working in the church. He too was being used by God, but I was growing leaps and bounds, and he was simply content and not really committed. The frustration of the differnt paces taunted me. I wanted him to be the head of the house, but I was the one constantly in prayer, constantly in the word. But I prayed, and decided to keep my focus on God. I cant change my husbands pace, I cant force him to Grow… God is in control. for a few years things went on like this. I finally found myself in my living room floor weeping … pleading with God…. I wanted my husband to be the man of God that he was called to be…. and I made a vow to God (not to be taken lightly)…. “God, I will go where you tell me to go, do what you tell me to do, and say what you tell me to say…. as long as I have my husband… being the man of God he is called to be”…. I had studied vows, and i knew this was serious!…. I let go of struggling with a battle that was never my own…. My husband now leads our family. I cant compare who I am to who he is. We are two different people in Christ… yet we are one. Where I am weak… my husband is stronger… and where he is weak, I am stronger… we balance. My daughter that was born out of wedlock, is one of the biggest blessing God could have ever given me!… I felt she was a blessing that I never deserved…. But see God see’s who you are in Him… who you will be. I believe God was blessing me in advance 🙂 She will soon be 10 years old! Which means my husband and I will be married 10 years this next anniversary. I couldnt be happier with what God has done in our lives. I cant imagine life without my daughter or my husband. God is truly amazing… He is an awesome God, He is all knowing… this pregnancy might have caught you off guard but not God! Your response to things in your life determines the rusult. This also means your response to this baby, to God, to your boyfriend. See the enemy would have you stay in guilt! Thats not of God… God desires you to repent, and move on…. God has plans for you… plans that are good, plans for you to prosper… Let go of the guilt, You can never move forward looking back, and if you do… you will find yourself off course.
My prayers are with you.
Dear Can You Relate,
Please, forgive yourself and move forward. God knew this day would happen before you were formed in your mothers womb. God do not punish us according to our sins. If so there would be no world. We have all sinned and come short of the kingdom of God. I know it’s hard and financially not a good time. But trust God repent and move on. Psalm 119:169 May my cry come before you, O Lord give me understanding according to your word. Psalm 130:5 I wait for the Lord, my soul waits and in his word I put my hope. God Love and Mercy be with you.
Hi there,
Sorry I’m off topic here.
Can you please email me? Your story is really inspiring with growing close to Jesus. I grew up in a christian family and been to church all my life. I’ve been trying to work on getting close to Jesus this year, just the way you described it. I wanted to get to know Him on a personal level and have an actual one on one relationship with the Lord. But it seems like nothing I do is improving it or working. I’m so lost and confused, sometimes I want to give up. Hope you can help me. I live in Australian btw.
Sorry about what your going through as well, but I don’t have the wisdom for your situation.
Many blessings to you.
Moore, Thank you. Your words were so uplifting and inspiring. I thank God for your testimony!
Everyone else–Thank you too.
I do have an update. Since then, my boyfriend has been awesome and really understanding. I know God is moving. I am no longer allowing myself to be condemed and I’m just trusting God for everything. May God be with all of you.
FallenOwl,
I emailed you personally.
God bless!
sabrina, your story touched me, may i have a chance to ask u some questions in private? coz i find my situations similar to yours in some ways, and i dont know who to go. thank you so much God bless
I too have a similar story, but feel that I made a vow to someone that God never intended on me to marry? I feel that I stepped into a broken marriage that may have been mended if I had not come along???? I also feel that I ran away from my family and place that God wanted me to be and go, so now I can not seem to get planted anywhere.
I keep trying to trust the Lord. He gave me a way out a couple of times prior to our marriage but I was weak in my flesh and just stayed in fear of hurting him and his friends and family. Now, I’m not there for my friends and family or church as I should be. I have tried to devote my life back to the Lord, but the more I do the more he gets upset and thinks there is someone else. I can’t seem to be his wife and the Lord’s? I feel tempted to drink when I’m with him and if I drink then I smoke. I’ve told him I don’t want to live like that and I want to give my all to the Lord. His reply was How are we going to have a relationship then, since it was founded on drinking together? I just can’t seem to open up and talk to him scripturaly and explain what the Lord wants from us. He told me he knew he would have to give his All to the Lord but he didn’t want to. I don’t feel drawn to any churches here but I do where I use to live (which is 45 miles from where we live)? My family has no desire to come to my house, I am always going to theirs.
He keeps making plans for our future, but none of it involves the Lord, and I just have no desires for it. I don’t want to keep moving in this direction and don’t know what to do? I’m Tired!!!
Mirah–what’s your email?
Hey Sabrina I can really relate to your story. I have a boyfriend which i feel and believe that he might be the one for me. We had both felt that God had put us together. We both really love God but we werent taking him seriously and including him constantly in our lives. When we were about 4 months together , My family had broken down…my mom had been lying to me and my brother for years .We found out that she had cheated on my dad with three other guys…and then she just left us to go live with a rich guy she had been working for and had been having sexual relationships with him. After that uappened , I got so hurt and became very insecure and didn’t have confidence in myself. I got super clingy on myboyfriend
Hey Sabrina I can really relate to your story. I have a boyfriend which i feel and believe that he might be the one for me. We had both felt that God had put us together. We both really love God but we werent taking him seriously and including him constantly in our lives. When we were about 4 months together , My family had broken down…my mom had been lying to me and my brother for years .We found out that she had cheated on my dad with three other guys…and then she just left us to go live with a rich guy she had been working for and had been having sexual relationships with him. After that uappened , I got so hurt and became very insecure and didn’t have confidence in myself. I got super clingy on myboyfriend. We would hang out practically every day. And i got so close to him that i became so scared of losing him. Because i couldn’t lose another close person in my life. Me and my boyfriend didn’t really go through the friend phase. we both feel like we should have. throughout our relationship we were being a little bit too much physical and i just wasnt myself anymore after that thing happened with my mom..i started to get upset at my boyfriend for things that i didn’t have to get upset about..i made him feel like he was being imprisoned ..And since he is very sweet and nice he wouldn’t let me know how he was feeling cuz he didn’t want to hurt my feelings . Sometimes we would read the bible together, but hardly. Last thursday i found out that my boyfriend has been using weed ever since a year before we got together. i was shocked and couldn’t believe he kept this from me and he said the only reason he didn’t tell me was because he was afraid of losing me. Then we recently took a break in our relationship for 9 days now. That break was the hardest thing i ever had to go through, the thought of losing him freaks me out, But during the break i was so close to God i talked to him nonstop and i fasted for very long…i was praying that God could fix my relationship with my bf. I also realized everything i did wrong in our relationship, how i wasn’t a good gf and how i would throw my problems into our relationship . My boyfriend says he feels like he needs to find out what God wants for him. He said he still needs to find out who he really is. And i know that i also need to go after Christ. But deep inside i still have faith that me and my boyfriend will be together. Today we are going to meet up for the first time to talk about everything . I feel like he is going to end it but not because he doesn’t love me but because he needs time to figure out himself. We both do. but i have faith that once we do we will have the chance to start over again. And since we never went through a long friend phase before getting into a relationship . Maybe this our time to go through that. And its my time to get rid of my weaknesses and to go back to myself and leave all my problems behind me… i really feel like God wants to work with me and guide me to do his will. I love my boyfriend so much, God knows that. But i feel like everything has its right time and right now God just wants to work with me and my boyfriend seperately. Please pray for me and my future and for my boyfriend that is soon going to be just my friend.
Hi, I can relate to this. I have been in a good relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years. We have been living together for a couple years in a home that we rent from my grandma. I got saved several years ago but have not committed my heart to The Lord until almost 5 months ago when I finally got baptized. Since the day I was baptized, I have had a yearning in my heart to please God. I have been asking God to make clear in my mind and heart the desires He has for me because although He has blessed me with a home and a good relationship with my boyfriend whom I love, I know that I am disobeying Him every single day because it is wrong to live with a boyfriend/girlfriend before marriage. My boyfriend is saved but has some different religious views. He has not yet experienced a revelation with Christ and he also does not recognize the importance of attending church and worshipping. He believes it is “ok” for us to be living together but it’s not. I go to church every week alone and just yesterday at church I spoke with the pastor about this circumstance and he prayed for me. Psalm 37:4 says “Delight thyself also in The Lord: and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart.” I am trusting God to make it clear and make a way. If I am not living out the plan that He has made for me, I believe He will remove me from this, whether I should find a new place to live or break up with my boyfriend if he is not who I am truly supposed to be with. I encourage you to continue to talk to God and focus on him, delight yourself in The Lord and trust that He has greater things planned for you! He loves us so much and will not forsake us. Speak with your pastor also for guidance because God speaks to us through them.