A little over 2 years ago now I came to be obedient to Christ. I had accepted him when I was young, but as an adult I had a true revelation of God through Christ then. When it happened, my world was changed. I stopped hanging out, stopped smoking marijuana, and just really wanted to live a life pleasing to God. I wanted His will.
During this time, my boyfriend and I broke up. I was very hurt by it, but because I wanted God’s will so bad–I believed that whatever was happening was His will. Well, the feelings I had for him never went away. I thought about him a lot and prayed for him. Eventually I fasted asking God why I felt this way and what to do, and God told me that him and I were meant to be. I couldn’t believe it, but it explained why I felt so deeply. In the natural, I really had no reason to.
A year went by with him and I talking here and there. I stayed prayerful and God began to give me signs and wonders in reference to him and other areas of my life. But I was also very focused in, on, and with God. I trusted Him for everything and I just yearned to grow deeper in relationship with Him.
At the time, I was also unemployed. Under instruction of God I had picked up a few part time jobs, but I believed God was and is showing me my true purpose, so he hadn’t placed me into anything full-time. I have been diligent with my money and just learning biblical practices and trying to apply them all over my life. I had even ran for an elected position, and that was a dream to me. I couldn’t and still can’t believe what God brought out of me through those processes.
During the year that my boyfriend and I weren’t together, his main issue was because we couldn’t have sex and how my “new” relationship with God and religious lifestyle (according to him, church mostly) had changed me and my conversation. He is saved, but just haven’t really had that true revelation of Christ nor who he is in Christ. So he really didn’t get it. Eventually, God moved and about 6 months ago he said that he really didn’t want to lose me and that he wanted to try our relationship without sex. I have seen such growth in him since. But, we did have sex a few times. Each time, I would feel so bad and him and I would pray afterward, but it kept happening.
Now, it hasn’t happened anywhere near the way it would have had we been “free” to fornicate…but nevertheless, it happened. I found out recently that I’m pregnant. So much has changed, he has begun to come to church with me and is more open to hear the word of God, but he’s still not where I would want my boyfriend to be. Does that make sense?
Throughout the process of getting close to God, I became attracted to men of God. Not that anyone is perfect, but someone who knew the importance of praise, worship, prayer, and sacrifice, became my desire. It’s only because I believe God that I got back with my boyfriend (God saying we are meant to be). And I don’t regret doing so–God has revealed him to me in many different and intimate ways that it has been confirmed in my spirit that our relationship is God’s design….But now that I’m pregnant, not only do I have extreme guilt for what I have done, but fear of what will happen, what God thinks of me, all circle through my mind.
I know that God still loves me, I know He knows my heart–but is this my punishment? I also feel bad about not wanting to be pregnant, because it’s just my current financial situation and marital status that has me so regretful. My boyfriend is happy and wants a family. He wants to get married. Somehow I just feel stuck.
I remember a season when I started becoming busier with work and running for office and I felt like God was weaning me off of Him. I no longer had as much time to meditate on His word, or at least in the way I use to…I would take long walks near the water and sit and write. It’s like I was being thrust into the “real world” and I begged God to let me stay with him. I had a revelation then that God was sending me out…and look what happened when I went out?
I know I just need to walk in faith…and I can truly say I feel very humbled. I can’t believe I messed up like this. I just don’t see how all of this is going to work out for my good…..
Can anyone relate?