Needing Advice for My Broken Engagement

I just recently broke up with my fiancée, and I’m regretting it, for the longest time ever since the relationship began back in November 2012, there have been issues, the first issue that came up was when one day I was texting her, in one of her texts to me I could tell that there was something wrong. I asked her if she was ok, she told me yes, I then asked her if she was sure, she ends up getting upset and telling me that when we meet up later we will talk. She tells me that she didnt like that I was asking her more than once if she was ok because she sees that as controlling behavior, her friends ex-boyfriend did that, he would ask her the same thing, then became controlling afterwards. I apologized for it, she tell ms that if I do that again, then she is ending the relationship. She had told me two other times that if I do a certain behavior that she will end the relationship, this all happened when we first started to go out. Then there was one time when I was invited over to her house for thanksgiving for the first time, she was really nervous about me meeting her extended family, I told her it was cool that I was coming over, I have not been in her house since 2009,she was telling me that it was not going to be a regular hang out, this is her family that I will be meeting, and there will be no PDA because her parents will be watching. I was taken back wondering as to why she is reacting like this, this was before we started to go out, we have not even kissed not even once, so I didn’t know why she was like no PDA, I didn’t like how she was making me feel like I dont know how to act when it comes to meeting family. We ended up becoming boyfriend and girlfriend after I asked her father for permission to start courting his daughter, 2 days later we celebrated, everything was cool, we went to the city, all was good. Then 2 days later after that, she tells me that she feels that we are going to fast in the relationship, I asked her why she felt this way, we have not kissed yet, I would tell her how I felt for her, which was that I liked her a lot, was hugging her, holding her, things like that, I was being extra careful to not make her feel like we are going to fast, so this frustrated me because I was extra careful. One day while I was at church I saw her and asked her if it was ok that I drive her to church the next day for Sunday service, she told me that it would be good, she just has to find out what time she has to be at church, she is one of the worship leaders, and our church at the time has 3 services.

Everything was good the entire day, but I wondered why it was taking long for her to tell me what time to pick her up, I’m pretty sure that her choir director would have told her by now, so I texted her and asked her what time to pick her up. She tells me that she already has a ride, I was surprised, I let her know that I wanted to give her a ride so that we can spend time together. I didnt hear from her until the following day, she texted me early, letting me know that she wanted to talk so that me and her came understand each other. I called her we spoke, she was telling me that she didn’t want to move any further until we have heard from God. I was surprised at this because we have agreed to court each other and while praying and waiting for God to give us his answer. Then there was other things that she was saying as to why she felt that she could not continue with the courting, none of it made any sense until I felt that she was saying all these things because she was scared of losing me. So I asked her if she was scared that I was going to walk out on her, she started to cry and admit that she was afraid of messing up the relationship and that I was going walk away because of it. Or just walk away and not stick around. I kept trying to assure her that I would not do that, the next thing to happen was that at her job, there was an older man that is a leader at a church who she has talked with a lot about bible lessons. She tells him that she is in a relationship, he is happy for her, but then the next minute tells her that he loves her. This offended me and got me upset, she instead of understanding why I was upset tells me that I should not be upset, men can give her information but it depends on her what to do with the information, she understands why I would be upset, but she is not a piece of property, but to trust that she will handle the situation and for this older guy to say what he said looks bad on him. I’m like ok, but I should have a right to feel ok with my reaction, I said in my reaction that this guy is offending my relationship, she didnt like the fact that I said “my relationship” because it made her think that I was claiming her as a piece of property. To make this long story short more then once during the first half of our relationship we would somehow get into an argument and then she would tell me that she needs time to think to come to a decision of her being with me or not. I would not want to argue with her for just that reason, but somehow the arguments would happen, her telling me more then once that she does not know if she wants to be with me or not brought a fear to me, that even to this very day I still have. One time we were not even in an argument, and this woman that does not even know me but I would see around for years, we never even had an conversation, not even a hi and bye, comes to my ex fiancee and tells her that I have anger issues and that I would come in between her and the ministry that God is planning for her. My ex comes to me and tells me that because of what this woman says it makes her wonder about this relationship, this got me upset because if you love me, why believe someone that does not even know me. She tells me, because this woman whenever she tells her things, its true. Things were looking bleak for the relationship, until one day she had to go to the hospital, she has diabetes and her sugar was pretty high. I was by her side every day, from morning to the night time, she tells me that I showed her and proved to her that I will be there for her no matter what. Her hospital say made me get closer to her parents, and they started to see me like one of the family. After getting out of the hospital, things were fine, but still the arguments would happen, nothing really bad, just disagreements. Then one day an old friend that she use to like contacts her, his fiancee broke up with him so he comes running to her for advice, they have known each other for 20 years, and whenever there was problems he would always come to her. So she was helping him with his problems, she would tell me about him, but there was a conversation that took place between them that she never informed me about. He was asking her what she was doing on a Friday night, she told him that she could not because she had to be at her church and was meeting up with me. He had let her know what was he wanted to invite her to his church, she tells him that she would let him know. I felt that something suspicious was taking place, I then went into her phone and saw this conversation that happened on a Friday, she was planning on talking to him when I drove her home, and told me nothing of the conversation. She lied to me when I asked her if this guy ever invited her to his church, it was bad, then she kept on telling me that all they are is friends, something was telling me that this guy wanted more than that. Later on because of him, we ended up breaking up, it lasted a week, she comes back crying to me telling me that she is sorry, that it took her parents and praying to God to show her that she was wrong for what she did. Then there were other arguments that occurred after that but this time she would not take time out to think to see if she wanted to be with me or not. It was not much of a relief because I was still scared that she would tell me that during the next argument, plus she made me feel wrong for having that fear to begin with. She tells me that I’m insecure because I have that fear, I tell her why I feel that way, she gives me no assurance that she would never do it again and expects me to not be scared.

The other issue I had with her was her telling her parents the details of our arguments, she would not tell them everything but only some things, but only when they would ask her, the thing is they always did ask her because they know there daughter and can see when something is bothering her. After hearing from her about the fighting going on and the details of what was being fought about, her parents removed the blessing they gave us to marry, because they didn’t want their daughter to go through anymore. In removing the blessing concerned me because I know it would influence their daughter who tells me that if she does not get the blessing she cannot marry me. Her parents removed the blessing, but she stayed with me in hopes that they would change their mind, they eventually did, but they gave her a lot of conflict for staying with me. One day she went back into the hospital due to over working herself again from work and church, I was there again with her by her side, her parents were accepting of me again. After she gets out of the hospital, more arguments break out again, we come together again, until the very end as to what happened now. This past Friday night me and her get into an argument, she says some things that I didn’t like. I get upset at her until she hung up the phone on me, from then on we were texting each other, she tells me that she will lock and save the text messages. I never asked her why she locked and saved them, because I didn’t think of it. The next morning we are talking again, and for the first time she apologizes for being wrong in what she told me Friday night, we talked some more about things and I took her wrong in one things she was telling me, so I got mad at her, she ends up crying telling me that she is doing the best that she can, starts to get mad at me. Then when things calmed down she goes to the bathroom and sees that her sugar is way high, thank god nothing bad happened.

We later go out to actually have our date that we have been planning, we go to the beauty shop as we are sitting there, I remember when she said that she went to lock and save messages, I then asked her why she was doing that, and she said that just in case her parents ask her what our argument was about she was going to show them the texts, I don’t know if she still planned on still doing that or not, but I got upset about her still wanting to share personal things about our arguments with her parents. She goes upstairs in the beauty shop for them to work on her feet, she has her phone with her, so im texting her about what im not liking, she tells me that she feels there is nothing wrong with sharing the details with her parents, she does not tell them everything, I tell her still its my private business. She gets all upset and tells me to bring her belongings up to where she is because she is going to call her dad to come pick her up. I’m already fed up at this point, I go upstairs give her her belongings and im still cant believe that she thinks its ok to do what she is doing, someone that says that they love me, doing something like this, this hurts me and I didn’t do anything to deserve this. So I continue to talk to her about my problem with her sharing the details with her parents. She becomes dismissive towards me, telling me that she is not going to talk about it in the beauty shop. Granted she has a point, but from everything I have been going through I could not stop being mad and continued talking to her about it, finally I stopped, thought for a moment that this was it, I was going to break up with her, it did pass through my mind that later we could have talked about it, but it was coming with a price, the fact that she called her dad to come get her, was going to put the parents once again telling her to not be with me anymore when they for awhile were ok with it. And she will go home tell me she needs time to think if she wanted to be with me or not. I was afraid of going through that again, plus I was fed up, I broke up with her right there, I told her that I didn’t want to be with her anymore, that I deserved better and that she needs to grow up. I then ask her to give me the ring back, she tells me fine and as she was taking the ring off to give to me, but I was impatient from being so upset that I went to take the ring off her hand, she resisted because she wanted to give it to me, there was a 2 second struggle I get the ring but she thinks that I attacked her. She had her cell phone in her hand and I knocked it out of her hand, I didn’t touch her hand, just the phone, it fell into the other seat next to her. I usually don’t do things  like this, but because I was so upset from all that has been going on for most of the time I was with her that I just exploded and reacted in a way of knocking the phone out of her hand.

Now her mother always taught to stay away from men who hit women, my ex took this to the heart so much that whenever we got into fights, she kept thinking that I would be that type of guy. When I would prove my point while we were arguing, instead of admitting that she was wrong, she would go and say “I would not let any man walk all over me and this and that” this would hurt me because I’m not that kind of guy, and why would she think of me as being that kind of guy when I have done nothing but treat her like a queen.

I left the beauty shop with the ring, her dad was coming to come get her to take her home. The next morning her parents come to my house, to tell me that they want me to stay away from their daughter, and that they checked with the people at the beauty shop and they also say that I attacked her, when really I didn’t, it may have perceived that I did, but I didn’t. I tried to explain myself but her parents were not listening to me, her father tells me that he had a sermon in his heart that said that I was a Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, meaning I’m a nice person, but then I can be abusive too. I told them that their daughter is not easy to deal with, they said they understand that, but I dont put my hands on their daughter. They even said that I could have been arrested, so they want me to stay away from their daughter, no call, no texting, and that their daughter has had enough to as well. I asked them if they could leave a message for me to give to her, I asked them if they could tell her that when I broke up with her I didn’t mean it, the things I said I didn’t mean either, I was upset. They told me that they wont tell her my message because they don’t want her to be weary, like be pulled away and somehow come back to me when they dont want her to be with me. They said that they saw me as a son, and took me into their family. They also said that if somehow me and her are back together that they would not give us their blessing.

Three weeks ago I went to a prophetic conference, in that conference I was prophesied over, God said to me that he will take away some relationships and friendships from my life to put me in position to do his will. Then all of a sudden my relationship ends, I can’t even go back to my church because she is there, it saddens me. The church just started, its a house church with a very small group of people who got together, but the worship and the word is dead on to what I need to learn, the church also was prophesied over that it will grow very soon, and is strategically placed in the area that its in to help people in that area, I was learning, having fun, being a part of something that is doing the will of god, but then all this happens. The people in the church were people we have known for years, the pastors are my ex’s 2nd parents. I was going to get involved soon in doing things for the church, I called the pastor and he told me that he suggested that I don’t come back just yet, he wants me to call him and we could meet up, talk about things and he will send me his sermons to my email address, he said this may be a 2 month process, he will speak to my ex, and we will see about me coming back to the church, if I show up there, it will be awkward and the parents might send the cops or put a restraining order on me. He told me for now honor what the parents want and not contact her, but I wonder if me sending her a letter would be contacting her. She has one sister who deleted me from facebook and instagram, my ex deleted me from Facebook, this is just crazy. Does this relationship look like it was broken up by God like he said in that prophecy that I got, the person that propheside over me is definitly a prophet, he has propheside over others including my pastors who just got ordained at this conference. I do know that unhealthy relationships can become healthy relationships when two people work at it, but did this relationship have the potential in becoming healthy if me and her were to work at it. Does this relationship look like it came from God? We felt that it was gods will that we be married for three reasons, 1. her friend one day who is a prayer warrior, was cleaning her house and singing to God, then god dropped in her spirit that me and my ex god wants to bring us together for marriage and the 3rd reason is because my ex had prayedc that the man for her would ask her parents for her hand in marriage and the parents would accept. So I asked, her parents said yes and her prayer was answered, therefore God wants us to be together. She is 33 years old and I’m 36 years old, what should I do now, should I send her a letter explain to her how I feel and that I didn’t mean to tell her that its over and that I deserve better that I was only angry?

2. Does this look like a relationship that God took away?

3. Does this look like a relationship that God gave me and her?

 

 

 

2 Comments

  1. Precious 3/29/2014
  2. Joshua 4/1/2014

Leave a Reply