It all started in the seventh grade; I weighed about 110 pounds that was the first time my mother told me I needed to start losing weight.
I did not understand how big of an impact this one event would have on the rest of my life. At that point I was skinny and healthy, but to please my mom I started running and I felt good. Eventually, I did lose weight which pleased my mom for the time being however it only got worse from there. Instead of losing weight I gained it I went from 110 to 125 from seventh grade to eighth grade and it was this year that started the trail of events that would lead to my demise.
Gaining weight was a common problem for me which caused my mother to yell at me and look down at me even more. In doing this I would not eat in front of her, but when I was alone I would binge on anything I could find, cheese, cereal, grapes, or anything.
In ninth grade my family had made the decision to move to Florida, which I was excited about at the time. Then one day came along after we had moved out of my house and were living with my aunt and my mom told me that if I did not lose 10 pounds before we moved I could not dance. Dance had been my life it was my passion and the only thing that made me feel good about myself, I could not lose it.
Later, I was crying all by myself because I had no idea how to lose all of that weight… that was the first time I made myself throw up. It felt so good, it made me feel skinny again. From that day on my mom started checking my weight every single morning and I started losing weight, only because I was making myself sick.
However, it made me feel happy and pretty and most of all it pleased my mom to see me lose weight. I told no one, no one knew about my secret obsession of going to the bathroom after every meal and vomiting up every bit. No one knew the mental pain I was in, not even myself. Once we moved to Florida things got worse. I started gaining weight again, which made me throw up more.
Then one day over the summer my mom caught me in the act. I had a little talk with my parents about how I had not been doing it that long when in reality I had been doing it for over 2 months. It blew over and I did stop making myself sick, until my mom started telling me I looked bloated again. So, of course, I started making myself sick again. I was so depressed and lonely, I did not have a single person to talk to, no one knew about my life and no one believed me when I told them how cruel my mother treated me.
Then, come February and my parents asked me if I was still making myself sick and at first, I lied and told them I was not, but eventually caved in and told them the truth. They did not understand why a girl with such a “great life” could do this and be so unhappy. I wish I could have told them how much my mother’s words hurt me and how much I hated myself.
They signed me up with a group called Blue Horizons that was supposed to help with my eating disorder, mentally it did, physically it did not. They made me eat a lot of food in order to get my metabolism back up to speed, which only caused my mother to make even more comments about the weight I was gaining.
Then, a new problem was brought up my social skills, so not only was my mom telling me I was fat but also unsocial. Every aspect of my life she hit with negative words. I continued going to Blue Horizons for one month, my parents believed I was better and pulled me from the program.
I did not make myself sick for a month or two after that. But then my mom came back at me with even crueler and self-hating comments about my weight. She had even told me I look pregnant, that was the day I stood up for myself after she called me pregnant in the middle of eating, I screamed NO and ran to my room and locked the door, she cracked my door trying to kick it in. I had never thought so hard about killing myself.
Things escalated from there, I tried to avoid looking in the mirror and did not talk to my mom because all she ever talked about was how ugly or fat I looked. My confidence level went so down I hated myself for not being able to please my mother, all I wanted to hear from her was “I am so proud of you.” I continued making myself sick without anyone knowing.
Then, I went to a summer camp provided through my Christian youth group where they did something called “Real Talk,” where young adults talked about their troubles they had as teenagers. One of the women there talked about her life, and it was identical to mine from her relationship with her mother to the way she thought of herself. I had the chance to talk with her about her experiences and she changed the way I looked at things she taught me that “God made me for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” This was the most amazing thing I had ever heard because God made me the way I am, so I need to love myself. I felt semi-confident and knew I could get better because I had God on my side.
But when I got home and told my mom the quote this woman shared with me, she took it as God gave me this body, so I need to take care of it, meaning that I needed to lose weight still. Everything got worse from there, my mom and I fight almost every day.
Now I weigh about 150 pounds and I hate myself more and more each day. I wish that my mother could just understand how harmful her words are to me. I have not loved myself for a long time now. I haven’t been happy for a long time now, and I can never see it getting better. I do not throw up as much anymore, however, I do have slip ups which just make me hate myself more.
I can never see a day where I will look in the mirror and am happy with what I see. My life just seems to be getting worse every time it could get better. All I want is my mom’s approval which is something I don’t think I will ever receive. I need to be happy for myself. I am in 12th grade now and am almost out of my house for good, hopefully I will be able to gain confidence in my college years and see a new light that I deserve.
Thank you for reading.
Dear as123,
It makes me so sad to read what you have gone through. You didn’t deserve to be treated like that. Unfortunately your mom has a serious problem of some sort. She has picked on you and invalidated you for just being you. This is a form of rejection of who you are. It is nothing to do with you and all got to do with some problem she has. For some reason she has picked on ‘weight’ as her focus, but it could have been anything.
I have been through something similar so I know how it can make you feel. We look to our parents to be a sort of a ‘mirror’ reflecting who we are. If we see love and acceptance in that mirror we learn to love and accept ourselves. Unfortunately if we get a wrong distorted view in that mirror, a bit like those strange circus mirrors, we don’t get a true picture of who we are. And because we are children and young people, and don’t realise this is a false mirror, we begin to believe it. Then we start treating ourselves as if that false mirror version is true. And life starts getting very messy because we are running on a false version of who we are.
Where can we look to find a ‘true’ mirror where we can see what we are really honestly like? I believe we can look in the Word of God, the Bible, and find that. The Bible is honest about our failings as people. But it shows us that we are incredibly valuable in God’s sight. So precious to him that he did everything in his power to win us back to himself. He did that by sending his son Jesus to take away our punishment and to free us into God’s unconditional love and favour.
As you mentioned, we are “fearfully and wonderfully made”. It also says that for the joy set before Jesus, he endured the cross (see in Hebrews chap. 12). You were that joy set before him. He so desired you.
Can I suggest that might try to find all the promises in God’s Word that show you what he thinks about you?
Also, it helps if you have people around you who are more accurate mirrors of who you are. Is there an older relative or other person you could trust to share this with? It might be a good idea to talk to someone. But do be careful who you talk to.
The lie is that you have to DO something or BE different to become loveable. In fact you are loveable and a deeply beautiful person just for who you are and you can’t change or add to that. You were made beautiful by the Lord. I don’t know you, but I can see what a clear writer you are and how insightful you are about things going on in your life. To me, reading what you have written I see a person who has a beautiful soul and who would be a valued friend.
I wish you every blessing,
Love,
Joy
Hi as123,
I just wanted to say I hope you feel better about yourself. I think you can get better but you need to take some steps, I’m in my mid-20s. You have to take action, some things take work. 1) Read the Bible so you know who you are and who God is for you and so you have accurate view of yourself and the world and hang out with Christians or nice people that encourage you (you will know if they are Christian if they are loving and by their “fruit” or if they have good character, etc.). Also it may help you if you serve or practice loving other people (this helped me at least so I wasn’t always thinking about myself, also as Christians we are supposed to serve/love others).
I’m sorry your mom does that, it’s messed up and she shouldn’t be doing that at all. Does she also have issues with obsessing over her appearance b/c sometimes it runs in families. But thank God this pattern can be torn down and overcome! Are there any older people that can encourage you or give you advice? I also had a problem with strong obsessive thinking, it was not about my weight but another area of my mind but had to do with my identity and I had really low self esteem so I feel I can relate to you in the obsessive thinking taking over your life. The good news is you can overcome it and your life will be much better but you must fight back, take a stand, and keep going! Amen, hallelujah because God is very real, supernatural and He will come through. Never give up seeking him.
I also wanted to say sometimes God heals people right away, or sometimes it can be a process but he’s always encouraging us on, he never fails. Also, if you feel led to it, fasting for spiritual guidance from God also works. I know a lot of people don’t mention that but it really works. God bless,
I only wish I could have had a child with such wisdom and beauty in her soul, as you have! I was never able to have kids on my own, but if I could have had a child, it would have been an honor to Love and raise someone like you. You have learned so much wisdom in the 18 or so years, then your parents have in their lifetime! We have to overlook, forgive, pray and Love the people who are not as spiritually connected. Always keep your head in the clouds and your eyes upon the truth that is in the bible. Jesus Christ will never leave your heart and will always be with you in tough times! This is what will help bring light into a dark world. The truth is what we all must fall in love with before we find true freedom and happiness. The people who have commented on your post are your brothers and sisters who love you no matter what and will always be close to your heart! God Bless you Little Princess!
Thank you all for your kind words! You have all touched my heart. 🙂
Hi! I believe that what you are going trough right now is not hidden in God’s eyes… he sees your struggles and pain. Do not be dismayed my friend. For our God is in control. He can turn ashes into beauty. Keep praying and rejoice in the fact that He is hearing you. He is willing and able to help you. For in Him there is nothing impossible.
Faith in Him will help you get trough this situation. You are not hopeless because He is your very present help. He can do things beyond our expectations. Just seek Him and you will find Him. Rest in the fact that You’re life will change because God is about to do something beautiful in your life in His perfect time. Also I want to remind you that beauty is not seen in the outside, it’s from your inside. God bless you! Will be praying for u!
God does not want us to look to people to be the judge of ourselves. People are not perfect but God’s Word is perfect. We must believe only in Him, everything He says about everything that is the truth. Forgive your mother for the way she is treating you, you may have to forgive her many times over. Pray for grace not to be bitter about it. Maybe you could consider moving away so you can be free and make your own decisions without parental pressure. Parents are not perfect, they may not know how to love their children, they may not have had a good example to follow. I pray you have a intimate relationship with Jesus Christ (through prayer) so that you will be strong in faith and know His Love for you. He showed us His Love by sending His Son Jesus to die on the cross for our sins so we can receive forgiveness and reconciliation with God The Father.
Hello my dear, know that you are not alone in this way, God will be with you and you have my prayers.
Read, “This Be The Verse” by Philip Larkin. There is rough language which I dare not print, but there is deep wisdom in his poem. Read it and meditate on the fact that hurt people, Hurt People! Your mother is projecting her issues on to you. It ain’t you who has the problem and it never has been. Be kind to yourself. Also, read “Toxic Parents,” by Susan K. Forward.
God is important to our lives, but therapy doesn’t hurt either. Your mother has some major issues that if you do not get treatment and have children yourself, you may pass that baggage onto them without realizing it. You deserve better.
Unfortunately, wounded people should not have children. What we call family curses is sometime dysfunctional behavior that is not cut off at the root and continues to get passed down. Let the buck stop with you. Get help now!
Hello lady, good evening to you. Sorry, this might be coming late but it’s better late than never. College life isn’t going to give you the life you want, you create then life you want for yourself. My family began to respect who I am the day I began to walk in line with who I am. So, baby girl, my question is who are you? You are God’s divine structure, a beautiful clay in the Potter’s hand.
As per your mom, she needs re-orientation, trust me you aren’t the only one in this shoe.
In case you need someone to talk to or you need a way to boost your self-esteem and confidence, you can contact me. Note: I am a Self-esteem coach, depression and psycho-dynamics therapist.
Always remember someone loves you even in the midst of criticism, He is GOD