So I think many peoples questions are how did you grow up in a nice house, playing year around baseball surrounded by nice things around you too, being homeless staying under low wacker drive?
Many days I thought to myself when I was younger that couldn’t be me. “I’m not that bad” but surely I was and I was blind and I couldn’t see the people I was harming and see the harm I was doing to myself.
I grew up in a small town called Johnsburg, Illinois With 2 sisters, a step brother/sister and step mother and a wonderful father and a mother that loved me. I had a good childhood and was surrounded by materialistic things and was always out having fun. I was in sports and loved that and strived off that to be honest when I was younger that is all I had. There was a lot of chaos in my home and it was an escape for me.
I wasn’t the best in school and ended up getting expelled 3 times. I was in and out of juvenile hall and struggled a lot with drugs as I grew older it got worse. I always maintained an appearance of being okay but inside I was broken, beat up and tired. I had many roads that I have went down and I have lost many friends to overdoses including my ex gf, I have almost lost my life on numerous occasions. I had a hole, a void inside me and I was missing something. I had gone through my life looking at my feet and beating myself up, feeling sorry or bad about myself. I felt different. Felt I was alone most of the time with my thoughts, sometimes time would just stand still and I couldn’t feel any progress in my life.
There came a point in my life when I was incarcerated and I was in segregation, I have been in this same place before for my 22nd birthday. I sat there after they shut the door and looked around the 6 x 8 cell and started flashing back to when I celebrated my 22nd birthday in the SAME exact cell!
I looked out of the window for I don’t know… it seemed like hours… envisioning things and pondering on my life. Self reflecting and realizing a lot.. I felt heavy and felt like I couldn’t stand myself and the things I do. While I was in seg I was circling the cell and was singing random songs… random hymns and beatboxing to keep my mind occupied.
I sat there and started to shut my eyes and envisioned myself in a place that was comforting to me. So I envisioned myself hitting baseballs at my games and running the bases. I started to feel a little better as I started to sit down (still shutting my eyes). I began to get emotional and felt heavy again.. I sat up like a board and looked out the window and began to open my arms and sing.
I closed my eyes again and dropped to my knees with arms wide open calling out to Jesus, calling out to god asking him to help me that I had enough, that I feel alone and I can’t do this by myself. I started to hum and rock back and forth while I was sitting there on my knees a presence came over me and I began to hear
“My son, you are okay, I am with you”
I shut my eyes and bowed my head and began to weep saying thank you Jesus and started to praise him, as I sat there I bolted up and started to speak to god, telling him all the things I’ve been doing, the things I was going through and he comforted me! I wasn’t alone? There’s a reason why I exist? He’s got plans for me?
All of these things made me feel so loved. He told me
“Son you are forgiven”
That night I laid down was the best rest I have ever gotten in my life time. The next morning I woke up and got my tray I began to pray over my meal and slowly ate and food especially jail food never tasted so good in my life. I grabbed my bible and began to read and felt so excited about the Lord being with me. I was at peace, complete peace and I was in segregation.
The visions he gave me and the revelations began to unfold when I got out, I began to go to church and experience love I have never seen before. I began to get out of myself and see humans as humans through god’s eyes.
Our Lord is amazing and he loves you all so much. We are his children and he has guided us our whole life, we just turned our backs. The struggles we have: build our character and build our lives. Accepting the Lord as my savior has changed me forever and he can change your life too. No amount of money, no amount of drugs can fill that missing piece.
This is a short story to tell you how I found Jesus and our Father. I will be writing a book and will send out short chapters of what I am writing to talk about the addictions and mountains I have overcome.
Our life here on earth is short, surrender to his will and he will guide you in this life time. I love you all so much