Women thinking deeply

Before I Knew You, You Knew Me

First giving all praise and honor to our Heavenly Father, who is so awesome and loving and forgiving, and so much more. God called my name before I was even conceived, and since then it has been a journey full of ups and downs… Allow me to explain:

I was raised in a good Christian home along with my eldest sister, and my mother, who was a single hard-working mom. As my sister prepared to go off to college, I remember always trying to make my eldest sister spend time with me. She would always yell at me and didn’t really seem to like me very much, but I would try anyways. My tactics, were ususally to steal something valuable of hers, to get her attention of course, or I would tell on her, each time she’d have a party (when our mom left to go to work)

My life as a child was pretty much normal, and even though my dad and mom were not together, I stilll got a chance to see him every other day. After my sister left, it was just my mother and I, and this is when I began to fall in love with Jesus.

I didn’t really know who he was as a child, but I just really really loved him. I would ask questions during Sunday School and eventually, became Sunday School Secretary around 10 or 11 years old. I had a hunger for God, and I’d always seem to always understand fluidly, exactly what my Sunday School Teacher was teaching me. I eventually accepted Christ at seven or nine years old, got Baptised, and this is where my journey began…

Even at a young age, I was ministering to my first-grade classmates, especially when they were doing something I knew was wrong lol I was on fire for God, and the way I felt, I wanted to let the whole world know. My first struggle in life was, reading. My first-grade teacher was very very mean, and never seemed to get in trouble for grabbing our arms and jerking us by our arms and hands, yelling at us. I was her best pick…and every day she would find something else new to pick on me about.

She made sure that I didn’t go on to the second grade, and eventually I was retained. It’s not that I was a terrible student, it’s because I was bold for God, and God had a calling on my life even then…I belive my mother knew why I was having so many problems with my teacher, but chose not to explain it to me then, because I was too young to understand.

My second year around in first grade was so much better. I will never forget Ms. Buy, and how she was so patient and kind to me. She believed in me every step of the way, and even when I would cry and half- way give up, she would wipe my tears away and help me get through it. During that time, I thought I was never going to learn how to read, but as Ms. Buy began to work with me, I eventually became the best reader in my class. I was reading at a level of that of a third of fourth grader, only in the first grade.

Subsequently, I passed first grade and went on to the second grade, where I struggled with Mathematics. I ended up failing, which was named at the time, the TAAS test every year, but my grades, which were A’s and B’s, help me pass into the next grade every year. Unfortunately, as I progressed through all of my grades, I eventually began to believe that I was never going to be good at math.

All through school, I not only had to deal with not being so successful with math, but I also dealt with low self-esteem. My classmates, would taunt me every day, reminding me that I wasn’t skinny like the rest……Keyword: “like the rest”. When someone tells you something like that on a day-to-day basis, as a child, you eventually began to believe it.

See, Satan knew that God had a plan for my life, and his goal was to make me believe that I was a mistake, that I was fat, ugly, not worth anything, and shouldn’t be alive, which would eventually lead to suicide. Then, there you have it…I would have never been who I am today if God hadn’t been in my heart.

So, I eventually reached Middle school, and yes, the tauntings of me being fat, continued. I was in search of love and thought that maybe if I let the guys feel and touch my body, that maybe they would stop teasing me. Of course, they never did not, and the tauntings would continue. Each day I found something new to hate about myself. Starting from the way I looked, to the way I smiled. I hated the way my hands looked, and the way my feet looked. Every day it was something new.

Satan had a game going, and I was falling for it. It got so bad until I began wearing big jackets every day, even in the summer. I absolutely hated the way I looked, and jackets placed me in a comfort zone. I would feel so vulnerable whenever I didn’t have one on and would do anything I could to be hidden. NO matter what ppl would tell me, the wounds were too deep…

I had no one to talk to about how I really felt, and my so-called friends would talk about me, when I wasn’t around. I couldn’t even talk to my mother. I was very depressed, and it was affecting my social life as well as my grades. I felt like I wanted to commit suicide, and my teachers were getting worried. I would cry sometimes and think of ways that I could do it. There were several attempts where I tried starving myself. I wouldn’t even eat lunch at school and tried going all night without eating, but I got too sick, and my body was so weak the next day. My life just wasn’t right…and I knew this was not how life was supposed to be.

This was a lot of stress and pressure on me, at the age of 15 years old. Even now, when I think back on this, I still can’t believe how I allowed ppl to bring me down so low…Well, as I reached High School, I still was struggling with math, and was still in search of someone to love me. I must add that in today’s society, this is such a huge problem. Millions of girls my age, are battling with knowing who they are and understanding that they absolutely have purpose in this world. Satan is on the rampage, but God is still strong and moving just as fast as he.

My sophomore year, I met a guy, by the name of Terrence, whom from the first time I met him, thought he was the perfect gentlemen. I “thought” that he was the guy for me, but deception can be very poisonous. Being just 17, and he 19, I was easily manipulated, and he gained my trust. I told him things about myself that I’d never shared with anyone, and my secrets were his secrets. He would be the first guy that I would show my body to. And I did.

I was so deep in denial, and by the grace of God, he didn’t take away my virginity, even though you aren’t considered a virgin anymore in the eyesight of God, if you reveal yourself in that way to a man or woman. Down the road, he became very crazy and controlling, and turned me against my own mother and family. Satan had this plan for my life, to destroy me completely, exactly what he is here for: To kill, steal, and destroy us.

We argued all the time, and he even almost beat up this guy, whom he thought I was flirting with at school. My life was a mess, and I was doing things that I know weren’t right, and things that went against my belief and values. I had totally put God on the back burner, and my boyfriend was my idol, just one of the commandments broken.

It was very hard getting rid of him from my life, because each time he would text me or call me out of nowhere, and say how sorry he was, and each time I would allow him back into my life. He cursed me out so many times and my self-esteem was worse than ever.

There were times when I wanted to run away and never look back, because I felt so unpure and unclean, and I knew that my Heavenly Father was not happy with me. I thought that I could never recover, and eventually I finally got rid of him…and that was only because my mom bought us new phones. Even then, it was going to take a lot more mistakes with guys, until I finally reached wits end, and said enough was enough.

It was then, when the next guy talked to me just like the last one did, I realized that it was time for me to stop running. This was around my junior year in High School. I was so tired of all the compromising, all the bad break ups, all of the verbal abuse at only 18 years old. This was not God’s plan for me, and I knew that. I began getting involved in church again, and my life has been changing ever since.

Jeremiah 1:5 says, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

When I first read that scripture up above, somehow, I felt a lot like Jeremiah. The only difference is, I felt that I was so messed up, that God couldn’t have possible called me to do something great. In spite of how i felt, I had known all along that there was something great in store for me. I was tired of running, and it was time to do it my Father’s way 🙂

I now find out so many things about myself each and every day. I am very talented and just had my first sermon/speaking in January. I wouldn’t say I’m called to be a minister, but I do know that I am a teacher and speaker of the word. This is my last year in High School, and God has definitely brought me so far from where I used to be.

I’ve had to let friends go and start all over again, and eventually God has given me brand new friends, whom I’ve started a Bible study with here at school! The name of our organization is Stand For Jesus (S.F.J.) and we are reaching out to students, ministering to ppl about how God can change your life. I sometimes even minister and pray for teachers and substitutes. God has been using me greatly, and I now know who I am. 🙂

What an awesome God we serve! Even through the good and bad days, God will either send someone your way to remind you that he’s always there, or through some other source, especially through his word! God has great work for you, whom ever is reading this, accept His call and share it! God Bless!!!


  1. AsianJesusLover 3/15/2011
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  5. Alison :) 4/4/2011
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  9. danielle19 5/18/2011

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