On a Bad Road

I am so scared and in need of help. I am 23 years old and I have a beautiful 5 year old daughter who is my world. I am currently in a long term relationship and feel like im suffocating more and more everyday . The relationship started off rocky when we first met he was great I felt so incredibly happy that I found somone that made me laugh and smile and make me feel loved I treated him with so much love, he did not have a car I dopped him off and picked him up from work took him lunch and coffee everyday. got him out of probation, payed some of his bill when he couldnt he needed so much love and affection and he appreciated everything I did for him .

He started spending time with my daughter. then he started talking to his ex girlfriend behind my back he slept with her and me in the same week . I was devistated he ended up telling me he was confused and he still loved her and was gona give her another chance. My heart shattered I felt like a fool but decided I would just let him go after all we only dated for a month I cut off all bases with him. After about a week I received a text from him apologizing for a huge mistake he told me he realized it was me he wanted to be with and he would do whatever it tool to make things right with me, so I forgave him but I never forgot and we began our journey together he became  so wonderful I moved in with him and he took care of me like a princess I felt everything was going to be just fine and it was for about a year .

We began arguing more and more he would do things like be on porn sites and create accounts to find women all of this brought fear and ditrust in him, i have forgiven him and tried to leave things in the past but any odd behavior from him scares me. We have now been together for 3 years and I am at a breaking point arguments have been bad and he blames me for allot in the relationship  i apologize constantly for things he does somethimes I get these panic attacks and anxiety when he talks about leaving me I feel as if I want to die . I feel like im being attacked by the devil . I have toughts about suicide in so many different ways . I try so hard to come to god and beg him for mercy and help because I know I cannot so this on my own. I have become depressed.

I feel alone as if no one loves me . He is not affectionate he doesn’t comfort me and acts like he really does not care anymore . I dont know what to do Im loosing myself. Me and my daughter love him so much and I wanna be happy with him but I just dont know how to deal with this anymore Im so scared i know that I have my own issues and Im not perfect but I feel his soul disconecting from mine he is mean to me sometimes please pray for me. I feel the devil has me wrapped around and keeps attacking me every chance he gets .. if i start feeling happy it goes away fast I can hear him in my head telling me the ugliest things about my self telling me it is all my fault . I need to be ok. For me for my daughter . I feel i need to really give it my all in this relationship but its come to the point where I can’t feel god by my side I dont hear him talking to me . What can I do? How can I make this pain go away?

14 Comments

  1. Susan 8/11/2011
  2. Find28 8/12/2011
  3. Sarah 8/13/2011
  4. Find28 8/15/2011
  5. Pastor Elsie 8/15/2011
  6. Mika 8/17/2011
  7. Mika 8/17/2011
  8. cbyf 8/23/2011
  9. Find28 8/24/2011
  10. Lee 10/3/2011
  11. Find28 10/3/2011
  12. tabatha 10/4/2011
  13. Samantha 10/4/2011
  14. Linda 12/1/2011

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