It has been almost a year since I’ve talked Jonathan, the guy who means so much to me. But before him there was a guy I liked so much named Brooks, but Brooks didn’t like me back, and it showed. I was a freshman in high school when Brooks found out I like him. To him and his friends they felt this was the biggest joke ever. I just couldn’t get over him, mainly because I’ve never like a guy before, for such a long time. A part of me wanted to just forget about him and the way he treated me, yet I still felt we were destined to be together (silly me). In high school I was known as the “quiet girl”. I find it extremely hard to make friends, leading me to become lonely.
I found it very hard to be myself around people, mainly because the fear of rejection, which I experience all the time. I was picked on and talked about a lot without reason, all the time. I never responded only because I didn’t want anything more hurtful said to me. I had only one friend throughout my years in grade school, but she too was talking behind my back.
So, here I am now with absolutely no one to call a friend. I never told my parents what was going on at school because I didn’t want them to know how horrible their little girl’s life was. But I do remember praying continuously to God that he would somehow get Brooks to like me, to heal the loneliness in my heart and I would be forever thankful. I wasn’t really a true Christian, I would call on God when I needed him or wanted something, but nothing more. But I do remember when God spoke to me saying
“Let him go, and I will bring someone better.”
At first, I didn’t understand because I didn’t want to believe God was telling me to let Brooks go. I got upset because Brooks was the first guy I’ve actually like and now God is telling me to let him go? And over and over again God kept telling me “I have someone better.” I just didn’t understand at the time and i surely didn’t want to let go… but I eventually did. I was
And then there came Jonathan. He transferred to my school our junior year. I didn’t really think anything of him. I saw how he became popular really fast. He was raised in a Christian home, and it showed. He was winning all sorts of awards his first year here (prom king, homecoming and sweetheart court)! I couldn’t even begin to explain how many people like him. There was something so different about him, that I couldn’t explain. I didn’t like him at the time, but I knew a lot of girls did. I found out he wasn’t interested in one of the most popular girls in our grade which was shocking because she was pretty, smart, and outgoing… everything I wasn’t.
If I ever did like him, it would almost be too good to be true if he like me back. He seemed like the type of guy who was looking for someone perfect. I didn’t understand what was so special about him. Until I met him. Somehow there was rumor going around that I wanted to fight his sister (which was not true at all). That got his attention and I remember Jonathan always watching me. Every time I would see him, he would be staring at me, and I stare back. I didn’t think anything of it until I heard one of his friends told me how he said I stare a lot and that I looked mean. I was shocked because he was staring first!
Time went on and we were still running into each other. I would see him everywhere I went, and we would make eye contact every time, but never did we speak. I remember walking in the jam-packed hallway trying to get to my class and I was waiting for the right time to cross because the hallways were so packed. All of a sudden, I see Jonathan walking up and he starts to move to the side of the hallway…holding up the crowd…to let me pass. That was the moment I will never forget.
Time went on and I began to REALLY like this guy. Long story short… it kinda seemed like he like me too? I didn’t want to believe it because like i said, it was too good to be true. I said ‘hey’ to him one day… and everything started from there. He always made every effort to say hey to me even in front of his friends (the ones I didn’t get along with). I would catch him staring at me and smiling all the time.
Sometimes I would ignore him to see if would say hey to me and he still did! He was the sweetest person. He would do little things like follow me to the water fountain to start a conversation or try to be somewhere I was. He is great with people, but he always got red in the face when he talked to me. I can’t even explain how I felt about him. He made me so happy. How could he possibly like someone like me? Could this be the person God brought in my life in replace of Brooks?
I constantly became dependent on Jonathan to make me happy. When he didn’t say “hey” to me i became extremely upset and when he did, I was happy. After school ended, we kept in touch for a little while until something little happened that led us to not talk anymore. I was heartbroken. I became so angry because I didn’t understand why God would take someone so great out of my life. And I felt like God was telling me “No man comes before me; I am a jealous God.”
Long story short, my pain led me to seek God, and it was the best decision I’ve ever made! The pain I was receiving from my heart break was God’s way of telling me “I want to be your everything, don’t look towards man to fulfill your needs.” I began to seek God and I love Him with all of my heart, and He has become my absolute best friend.
But it has been almost a year since I’ve talked to Jonathan, and my feelings for him haven’t changed. I still think about him almost every day. I ask God to take away the feelings away if that is not His will for me, but He hasn’t. But if it is I pray to God that He would open Jonathan’s heart back to me because I care for him so much. I’m not sure if God ONLY used that relationship to draw us closer together or could there possibly be a possible future for Jonathan and me? Sometimes I feel as if he could be saying “it’s not time…”