A Year Ago

A year ago I was a totally different person and finding Jesus, again, is what changed me.

I’m a shy person by nature, but a year ago, it was so much more than just being shy. It was being so crippled with fear that I would have panic attacks just thinking about getting up in front of somebody. I was also depressed, like very depressed. So far to the point that I had turned to hurting myself. Every day that I got out of bed, I was disappointed that I had woken up. I would have vivid daydreams of ways I could end my life. It was terrible, but I refused to reach out for help. My pride got in the way of that.

I quit doing things I loved like photography and going to church. I basically quit everything. I reduced my social interactions to school, and that’s it. I never volunteered to do anything. I just laid low and let life slip by. I was so utterly hopeless at such a young age that I didn’t think I would ever make it out of that place.

Through out all of this, my faith is was suffered the most. I stopped believing that God was on my side. If he was really on my side, then I wouldn’t be feeling like this, would I? He wouldn’t let me, a follower since I can remember, feel like I’d rather die than do anything else. It was a struggle between two things. Either God didn’t exist, or he simply didn’t care. Those seemed like the only logical explanations. I stopped going to church, because what’s the point of worshipping someone who doesn’t care, or doesn’t exist.

I can still remember so vividly the day that changed my life. It was a Wednesday night and I was sitting at home instead of at church where I should have been. I was in my room alone, having another breakdown while. I was crying, screaming, the whole nine yards, and I was so close that night to ending my life. I was so close that I had gone to the medicine cabinet and picked out which bottle of pills I would be swallowing. When I came back with them, I set them down on a stack of books on the table next to my bed and went off to write a note. I came back and grabbed the bottle and noticed that I had set them on top of my bible. My bible hadn’t been opened in months so I figured I would open it. I don’t know why I opened it, but when I did it opened to Romans 8:18.

Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.

This verse didn’t just save my life, this verse changed my life. I started crying again. But it wasn’t because I was sad or because I was scared, but because I was so ashamed. I was so ashamed of my actions towards God, and how much I had pushed him away.

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God! (?Psalms 43:5 NLT)

I’m a completely different person today that I was a year ago. I go to church, and my relationship with god is stronger that it has ever been. I still struggle with self-doubt, depression, and anxiety, and I will for the rest of my life, but thanks to God, it isn’t nearly as bad as it had been. I would never say that I am glad that I went through this, but it’s made me a better person and I thank god ever day for that. I realized now, that God truly did have a plan for me, and that no matter how badly things get, it’s all for a reason.