A year ago I was a totally different person and finding Jesus, again, is what changed me.
I’m a shy person by nature, but a year ago, it was so much more than just being shy. It was being so crippled with fear that I would have panic attacks just thinking about getting up in front of somebody. I was also depressed, like very depressed. So far to the point that I had turned to hurting myself. Every day that I got out of bed, I was disappointed that I had woken up. I would have vivid daydreams of ways I could end my life. It was terrible, but I refused to reach out for help. My pride got in the way of that.
I quit doing things I loved like photography and going to church. I basically quit everything. I reduced my social interactions to school, and that’s it. I never volunteered to do anything. I just laid low and let life slip by. I was so utterly hopeless at such a young age that I didn’t think I would ever make it out of that place.
Through out all of this, my faith is was suffered the most. I stopped believing that God was on my side. If he was really on my side, then I wouldn’t be feeling like this, would I? He wouldn’t let me, a follower since I can remember, feel like I’d rather die than do anything else. It was a struggle between two things. Either God didn’t exist, or he simply didn’t care. Those seemed like the only logical explanations. I stopped going to church, because what’s the point of worshipping someone who doesn’t care, or doesn’t exist.
I can still remember so vividly the day that changed my life. It was a Wednesday night and I was sitting at home instead of at church where I should have been. I was in my room alone, having another breakdown while. I was crying, screaming, the whole nine yards, and I was so close that night to ending my life. I was so close that I had gone to the medicine cabinet and picked out which bottle of pills I would be swallowing. When I came back with them, I set them down on a stack of books on the table next to my bed and went off to write a note. I came back and grabbed the bottle and noticed that I had set them on top of my bible. My bible hadn’t been opened in months so I figured I would open it. I don’t know why I opened it, but when I did it opened to Romans 8:18.
Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.
This verse didn’t just save my life, this verse changed my life. I started crying again. But it wasn’t because I was sad or because I was scared, but because I was so ashamed. I was so ashamed of my actions towards God, and how much I had pushed him away.
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God! (?Psalms 43:5 NLT)
I’m a completely different person today that I was a year ago. I go to church, and my relationship with god is stronger that it has ever been. I still struggle with self-doubt, depression, and anxiety, and I will for the rest of my life, but thanks to God, it isn’t nearly as bad as it had been. I would never say that I am glad that I went through this, but it’s made me a better person and I thank god ever day for that. I realized now, that God truly did have a plan for me, and that no matter how badly things get, it’s all for a reason.
Thank you for sharing your testimony. It’s so wonderful to hear how God has brought you through. I, too, suffered from debilitating anxiety and depression from childhood sexual abuse. God has been my counselor and healer and I’m a healed person from His love. Even the fear I lived under for 34 years is being removed. His Love and Life makes all things possible! God continue to bless you as you walk this life with Him.
I was touched by your story. I too suffer from fear and anxiety. You are brave for telling your story and I am so happy that God met you right where you were, right when you needed Him most. He did that for me too. I finally wrote out my testimony as part of a writing contest, but I am too fearful to share it with people I know. I am afraid of what they will think of my past and that they’ll think I’m no good. If you want to read it, my contest entry is at http://myfaithradio.com/2015/enough-3/. If you think it’s good, please vote for it and pass it on. If not, that’s OK. Best wishes to you for continued healing.