Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”
That pretty much sums up how I’m feeling this week – the week before my Bar Exams (to qualify as a practising lawyer).
I have less than 100 hours of study to my papers – and I fell ill. My throat hurt, my nose was perpetually blocked, my body ached, I was even more tired all the time, I couldn’t focus because all I wanted to do was rest.
After 3 consecutive mornings of waking up with a throat from hell and a head stuffed with illness, I went to bed last night with the realisation that I don’t have much time left. To study 5 entire legal topics from scratch – criminal, evidence, the legal system, company, and land law. Then I remembered feeling this despair every year of my undergraduate exams.
I did the same as every year and cried out to God. I remember how, every year it just got more and more difficult to rely on my friends, to rely on myself (and my lack of discipline), and that last year it became clear to me that the purpose of the increasing annual difficulty in exams was to walk by faith, and not by sight.
I prayed and told God about how distant I felt – I wasn’t sure if He was there anymore. I prayed and whined about how much pain I am in – and for Jesus to heal me. For a sign that God still loves me.
Suddenly, I felt a wave of calmness sweep over me. I felt calm, like I could finally rest and sleep. I prayed and asked for my throat to be healed, for my nose to be cleared in the morning and not be stuffed, and for a good awakening in 6 hours time.
And I was given all that. I woke up 8 minutes before my alarm, which I never do (it was not even 6am yet) feeling the same way I felt last year when God cradled me in his arms. I felt rested. A kind of rest only God can give when I’m sick and I’ve slept that little. Then I realised that – my head was clear, my nose wasn’t blocked, and most of all, that horrible feeling in my throat was completely gone! I somehow knew that germs can’t just go away like that – you get progressively better. But during the day I still used up an entire box of tissues, and something told me that God’s there for me.
I couldn’t explain how I woke up at 5.52am this morning, barely awake but feeling so much.
I will be updating this in the days to come – but I’ve got to go back to studying now. Just wanted to share how powerful and how responsive God is when you think He isn’t there, and his never-ending love. Have a good day everyone (: