There are people all around us with a story to tell, a story that you would never be able to comprehend by just glancing at the cover. I am a white, mid-class, college educated, married mother of two. I look like the girl next door, a girl that grew up with a white picket fence and a silver spoon but you have no idea what my memories and experiences are. You do not know what is inside my book. The Holy Spirit has been prompting me to open it up and show others what is inside. This is my story…
When I was 3 my mom attempted suicide 3 times and I saw her attempt it twice. Once she was going for a walk with a friend and I was riding my tricycle behind them. They were talking and she was crying uncontrollably when she ran off the sidewalk into traffic and got struck by a truck. Thankfully it wasn’t hard and nothing was hurt but her pride… The other 2 times she tried to overdose on her sleeping pills. The last time she tried, someone found her limp in her bed and I watched as my dad and my grandpa carried her to the car with tears rolling down their face. After that she was sent away to the psyche ward for 9 months. During the start my brother and I were passed around between my dad, my grandparents, my aunt’s house, and our neighbours because no one had the resources to continually care for us. Eventually we were able to stay with the same neighbours for the remainder of the 9 months. We were settled into our new home nicely when they decided my mom was fit enough to have us back. So we went home to a mother that was overly medicated and zombie like. If we tried to talk to her, she would just glaze her eyes over and fall asleep. She would sleep all day and we would just sit and watch tv all the time or wander around outside by ourselves. Our dad would come home from work every night and be angry and stressed and yell at us. He would yell at our mom out of frustration… This continued on for most of my elementary years but each year got better and better and eventually our home became happy and what would almost be considered “normal”.
When I was 4, I innocently enough came across some pornography magazines. I remember being instantly and deeply curious and enamored with what I was seeing. I grew up being very sexual (mostly inwardly, although I did express it outwardly too, especially later in my teenage years). When I was about 5 or 6 I touched some other children, trying to act out what I had seen. We were caught by our parents, who brought in counselors to deal with us. I quit but was bitter, resentful, embarrassed, and confused. I still grew up obsessed with sex and would learn more about it and look at pornography at any chance I could get.
Due to the traumatic experiences that I witnessed as a kid and never seeing “normal” emotions used in “normal” situations I became really mono-emotioned (I just made that word up…). I literally could not laugh as a kid. I didn’t know how to properly express happy and angry emotions and I withdrew from others because I didn’t want to form a bond that I assumed would inevitably be broken… In middle school I had my first REAL friend and she taught me how to laugh and how to cry and I will forever be grateful for her role in my life.
My mom is diagnosed with schizophrenia and she suffered through some post partum depression and grief too, as she also had a traumatic childhood. I was always just told she was “sick”. It was never explained to us what was up and I always knew I was being lied to… I had very strong feelings of resentment and pent up anger my entire childhood – pretty much until I had my first child. I eventually put 2 and 2 together when I was about 14 as to why she ran out into the street and why she went away. I confronted her about it and there started the journey of discovering the truth. More and more gradually comes out as she accepts the past and is honest with herself and feels more comfortable sharing with others.
When I was about 15ish I discovered alcohol. I loved drinking because I could let my guard down. I felt comfortable enough to be the person I felt I really was inside. I could be fun loving and outgoing (not something I felt comfortable being before – at least in public or around strangers). But I was never able to stop drinking at that point where I was just fun. I had to keep drinking until I was a staggering, slurring mess! I liked this too because this is when I was free to let out all the anger and rage pent up inside me. I felt powerful for the first time in my life and I loved it! Lots of other people loved it too because they thought it was fun – until they got in the line of fire and then they just thought I was a bitch. When I was drunk it also gave me an excuse to also be sexually promiscuous and get away with it. I fooled around with a lot of guys before I started dating my first serious boyfriend. In my head I justified my behavior by saying that I was the one in control of all the situations and that I was using the guys for gratification and therefore it was ok. I wasn’t the one being taken advantage of and because I wasn’t actually having intercourse with them, I didn’t consider myself a slut (even though most others did). I was using alcohol to drown and numb my pain and feelings, and using sex just to feel SOMETHING and to have some sort of connection with someone else. At the time it didn’t bother me because I was just a teenager and that’s what being a teenager is about! Right???…
One day I decided to come out of my shell and not care what anyone else thought. I dressed the way I wanted to, was more outgoing, etc… I started dating a guy and we were a good match. Everything was good. I went to college and I was loving life. Then one night I got ridiculously drunk and hooked up with a man who is now my husband (We had always had a crush on each other but nothing had happened until this night). I don’t really remember it but I remembered kissing him at the bar and I know that I started it all. I felt like total garbage for betraying my boyfriend even though I am pretty sure that I somewhat did it on purpose to push him away due to fear of commitment or at least to test our relationship because I was sure that anyone I loved would eventually leave me… The next day my boyfriend came to visit and I told him what happened. We made up and continued dating for about another 6 months or so. I apologized to the other guy for my behavior and then didn’t have anything to do with him until we started dating the next year. Everything went pretty well between my boyfriend and me after that, until the next school year and he wanted to move in with me. I panicked! I was freaked out! Before was fun but this was real commitment and it scared the crap out of me! I started to get kind of mean towards him and gradually got meaner (I guess mentally preparing myself to end it) and then I broke up with him just days before he was going to move to the town next to where I went to college (because I wouldn’t let him live with me).
The man I cheated on my boyfriend with (currently my husband) and I hooked up together days later after the bar. I had no plans on dating him but I thought he was good looking. Turns out his dad committed suicide due to schizophrenia when he was just 8 years old and we shared a lot of the same heartbreak and confusion. We bonded through this and became inseparable. I spent all my time with him. Things were good until I would go home for a weekend by myself. When I went to the farm – feelings for my ex-boyfriend would come flooding back to me and I would cry all weekend. He was such a great friend and loved me and I ripped his heart out… Soon I started a fight with my roommate and broke another amazing friendship… I started drinking more and more and ruining more relationships and drinking more and more and becoming depressed. College was over and I began working in the environmental field – which meant spending lots of time alone in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere or at my parents place and having time off when everyone else worked. I was smart enough not to drink at work during this time but it was still super lonely and depressed (although I would never had admitted this to anyone at this point in my life). My current boyfriend and I somehow made it through this time. It was probably because we lived far apart. We became engaged and although are relationship was alright, I was still miserable… Still obsessed with my betrayal to my ex, hating my job, lonely, jealous of boyfriend going back to college and having fun, etc…
In the summer/fall of 2006 I had to go work in crappy little town in the middle or nowhere. I loathed my life. I had to stay in a hotel room there and I worked about 30 days straight and would have about 4 days off. The work I had to complete only took about 2 hours up out of my day but I always had to stay close because I was always on call. This meant I had tons of time to do absolutely nothing except become more depressed and miserable. I started drinking about 3-5 days a week with the guys from work. I started only drinking a little bit because I didn’t know the guys real good and didn’t know if I should trust them. Soon enough I felt comfortable with some of them and would drink my face off until I could barely walk (even though I was on call). One night I took a ride from one of the guys. He was 40 and I trusted him more because I thought he would look at me as a niece (I was 22) and protect me from the younger guys. I passed out in his truck on the way to my motel. He took me to his tent at the campground he was staying at and raped me instead… I woke up with him on me and scratched him and bit him and he pushed me back. After he acted like I had wanted it all along and he was kissing my neck while I pretended I was passed out. He talked to me the next day. It was super awkward and I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t on the pill at the time and he was excited because he wanted me to get pregnant… Apparently his ex-wife and he could never have kids… Thankfully I never did. I never told anyone about it for years because I didn’t want anyone to know.
About a month or so after this I went out drinking with the guys again. We had an earlier discussion about cheating and I told them that I had once cheated on a boyfriend and that I regretted it. That night they kept yelling at me that “once a cheater – always at cheater” and started being really disrespectful… I had only had about 3 drinks when I started blacking out. The night was a crazy night with way too many details to explain properly… but the bar maid was busy having sex with one of the guys from my work in the kitchen when we were helping ourselves to drinks behind the bar. She came out and locked the door to the bar – apparently to keep anyone from coming inside (It was just her, a few guys from my work, and me by this time). She and the guy from the kitchen were going to start doing it on the pool tables and then I felt someone sucking on my neck. I didn’t even know who it was at the time and didn’t even know what was really going on. Apparently we had started have sex and then another group of guys (who worked with someone I knew) came in the back door because the bar maid didn’t lock all the doors. There was people yelling, people taking videos and pictures, they started writing on me with marker, the bar maid started kissing me…
Apparently one of the guys from my crew finally realized that things were totally out of control and they got rid of the other group of guys that came in because they were trying to get on me. The bar maid said she took me to her place to keep me safe because she knew I was in trouble (funny thing is she also brought the guys from my work with her). I remember walking into her house and her kissing me and then I don’t remember anything the rest of the night. Apparently her boyfriend came home shortly and kicked us all out. I woke up in my co-workers apartment after they went to work and then I took off to my place. I puked for 3 days straight, had massive headaches, was covered with bruises and a hicky, and saw double for a little while. I never went to the cops because I didn’t even know what happened so how could I explain it and because I was mortified, embarrassed, and ashamed.
A couple days later my co-worker phoned me and told me she knew what happened. I was so relieved that I didn’t have to hide it and there became my long and painful journey dealing with the cops. They told me that even if I was just really drunk, that it was still rape because I was unable to communicate and/or make rational decisions. Nothing really came out of my dealings with the cops due to poor police work, threats from my co-workers to others, my co-workers giving out details to others, me not being totally honest at the time, etc… The cop said that it sounded like everyone just got really drunk and out of control and she wasn’t going to do anything about it. She said that the guys said I had cheated on my boyfriend and that we were broken up and therefore she thought I was just cheating again. I never corrected her and told her that that was an event from my past because my dad was in the room and I didn’t want him to know I cheated on my ex-boyfriend because I was still so ashamed of it and I didn’t want my dad to think less of me. In the end I just ended up being really embarrassed and ashamed and now angry at the cop dealing with my case…
My fiancé was devastated and angry with what happened. He was angry at me for drinking and not watching out for myself and he didn’t know what to think because I had cheated in the past. I apologized and admitted that I didn’t even know what my role in the night was because I was blacked out… We made it through and agreed to never drink Whisky again and I can only drink with girlfriends now. He knows what is really in my heart and he was willing to stick with me.
Between the two different groups of guys at the bar (my crew and the guys that worked with someone I knew) the night I was raped, there were many acquaintances or friends of friends… Word, pictures, and videos spread and soon it seemed like absolutely everyone in my life knew something about it. Even when my husband and I moved 4 years later, to a town 150 miles away, my new neighbors knew about it! Everywhere I had gone for the 6 years following, I had been “that girl”. People glared/stared at me and talked behind my back all the time… Regardless if I am guilty or not of initiating what happened that night – it doesn’t matter. If somebody tells the story they assume that I am guilty because of my past. I guess Karma got me on this one…Needless to say this made me more depressed!
I moved to a city 2 hours from where I grew up and got married. There was less stress there and things got better then they had been, although I was still running the night of the rape over and over again in my mind and obsessing over possibilities and what could have been… When I had my daughter, my husband was terrified of losing his freedom and the responsibility of being a father and went out partying all the time. I was left at home with a new baby (with some post-partum depression) all the time! I was always exhausted and super resentful. Eventually I ended up feeling like I hated my husband. The very thought and/or sight of him made me seethe with anger. I felt like he just threw me away, while he went out and lived his life. Everything was about him! I felt like I was tricked into thinking he was a good guy and then got stuck with a jerk. I wanted out of my marriage so bad but marriage means a lot to me and I decided that I would rather stay and be unhappy, rather than divorce. I always wanted to get up the courage to tell him how I felt but I didn’t. I didn’t think he wanted to hurt me and he never even really knew I was hurt (even though I would cry myself to sleep right beside him as he snored…). I wrote a huge letter but never gave it to him because it was never “the right time”. Months later he stayed home with our daughter while I went out with a friend. Our daughter found the letter and he read it! He was pissed and sheepish at the same time. We talked about it and things improved. I ended up getting pregnant. Probably not a good decision at the time but I was happy. Then 2 months later I lost my twins. I went through the whole grieving process of shock, anger, sorrow, etc… I got pregnant again and lost that one. I got depressed and start drinking and pretty much going crazy. It all came to a head when my husband didn’t do anything for me for mother’s day because “he didn’t know the protocol and I wasn’t his mother anyways” (yeah…nice!). I left to go to my parent’s place (which I was going to go anyways). My daughter bawled all the way there, which is when I hit my breaking point and began bawling uncontrollably for the rest of the trip. I felt so drained of everything I had to give, so helpless, so used, so unloved, so betrayed, etc… For a brief point in time I considered driving my car into a pond and ending all the madness…but my love for my daughter stopped me. Hours later I arrived at my parents. I was a complete and udder mess and they had never seen me like that before. I finally decided that I needed help.
Shortly after, I went to go see such an amazing woman that has changed my life forever. I only went to 2 counseling sessions and it changed my entire world!! After only 5 hours with her she told me that I have created an awkward persona so that I can keep people from getting close to me, I quit expressing emotions at a young age because I associate them with being mentally unstable, she diagnosed me as an alcoholic and I learnt that alcoholics black out all the time (which I always have and everyone has always called me a liar for), she told me that I went crazy after I miscarried because I never dealt with my rapes and miscarriages deal with sexuality, remorse, taboos, and feelings of shame (just like a rape makes you feel), etc… I was able to go home and tell my husband this stuff and now that we can both understand why I am so weird and crazy and move on :) He realizes that some of the things I did were from alcoholism and not things that I really wanted to do and that I couldn’t stop myself
Shortly after my first child and up to the time of my counseling, I became a “truth seeker”. It mostly started when I had a dream where my “spirit guide” came to visit me. I became obsessed with uncovering the truths of this world and discovering what my spiritual beliefs were. I researched many topics and became quite interested in “conspiracy”. I was continually reading conspiracy news but was all over the place with spiritual/religious information. I began reading the bible, mostly to learn how to debate it in conversation… I studied Islam, Buddhism, Taoism, Native American beliefs, different “Christian” sects, various forms of New Age thought (including Alien “creators” or the Annunaki as they are often called). I must say that each religion and belief system is quite compelling if you don’t test them against each other but I kept being brought back to Christianity. Not manmade Christianity but the Christianity of the bible. Even after I finished reading the bible and I fact checked and believed what it said to be true, I still wasn’t a real Christian though. I was so caught up in seeking God that I forgot to ask him to come into my life!
I continued on with my New Age practices and the attempt to increase my “frequency” by using crystals, meditation, listening to high frequency music/sounds, yoga, chanting, etc… One day I successfully opened up my chakras and released the “Kundalini serpent energy” from my spine upwards… For 3 days I was unable to hold a conversation. I could not think or speak clearly because something was trying to take over my body. At night a glowing green reptilian being stood at the end of my bed and presented herself to me as a Queen but I don’t remember the full title she gave. She did not appear physical but more like an apparition. I was startled by the cries of my child and she was gone! Eventually I accepted that something was completely wrong. I prayed and prayed to Jesus over and over again. Eventually it felt like my head was becoming so pressurized that it would explode and something left the middle of my forehead with such force that it felt like my skull would shatter. I instantly had relief and I STILL didn’t give my life to Jesus, even though he just delivered a demon out of my body!
Around the time I had my second child (months later); I fell on my knees in tears and asked God for forgiveness of my sins. It was hard to humble myself and actually admit all the things I had done that I knew were wrong. Society allows us to tell white lies that are convenient but that is not how God works. I instantly felt washed over with the most incredible love, peace, and calm that I have ever felt. I sobbed uncontrollably as I let out everything that I had been harboring inside of me my whole life. It was refreshing and beautiful and I felt like all the prayers that had ever been prayed for me were all the sudden smacking me in the face because it was only now that I was allowing myself to receive them.
I never really did attend church often after becoming Christian but just talked with other Christian friends about our faith, read the bible, and studied Christianity online. I began watching a very well made video series about Satan and all the false religions that he has created and how they are tied together. My computer instantly began acting up once I started watching. It would probably ask to perform updates 15 times a day! It would freeze and restart all.the.time! Eventually the fan broke and it would shut down because it was overheating the computer. I realized this was spiritual warfare because my computer acted just fine when I was wasting time reading/watching anything else. I was determined and I finished watching the series. Eventually I became very paranoid and was always researching who the “bad guys” were and which organization they belonged to. I had problems sleeping and couldn’t shut my brain off. Since I learned that Satan has people working for him in all walks of life and in all organizations, I became suspicious of everyone around me. Friends and family were not excluded! I usually didn’t vocalize my thoughts to others but I really hurt some people’s feelings the few times that I did.
One day I was reading a blog post from a victim of satanic abuse and she had posted a self deliverance link. Out of curiosity, I completed the program as in depth as I possibly could. I asked forgiveness of all sins, broke family curses, broke any and all ungodly soul ties that I could think of, cast out every type of demon I could think of (from the list given), and closed off the doorways for demons to re-enter. It has been approximately 7 months since I completed that program and I have never felt better! My joints even felt better after! Parts that I thought were my personality apparently weren’t… I used to think I was bi-sexual but I wasn’t, I enjoy different music and television now, I no longer have anxiety/depression/stress from the conflicting thoughts in my head because I no longer have those types of thoughts, I no longer have irrational fears, I no longer have morbid visualizations, etc… We are told we are “just who we are” but it was shocking to find out that I was being influenced by lots of things in the spiritual realm and obviously from the time I was just a little child.
My husband is not a believer yet and is very much a person that feels he needs to see before he can believe but I can still see God answering my prayers and healing our relationship. My husband used to have re-occurring nightmares his whole life and they quit once I became a Christian and blessed our home. He also phoned me to tell me he loved me almost the moment after I broke any ungodly soul ties with him during the deliverance program!
God has also been working in my parents’ marriage, health, and faith. We now have strong relationships and have almost switched places as I lead my deeply devout mother deeper into her walk with Jesus. I have been able to forgive my parents for their actions/inactions and put myself in their shoes and realize that they did the best that they knew how at the time of my childhood. I can also empathize with them because they also had tough childhoods that they themselves have to deal with.
Things have only gotten better! I love my life now! I love my husband and he treats me good! I love my babies more than words can say! I love and respect myself and I have forgiven myself! I feel like I have finally found myself – whereas before I felt like I was always searching, Always questioning who I was and who I wanted to be. I know now that I am a strong person that wants to be a loving mother and wife. I want to love others, regardless of if they love me back. I want to follow where God leads me. I want to help others and make a difference. I just want to be.