It was in October, 1991, that I wholeheartedly asked Jesus Christ to come into my heart as my very personal Savior. I was sitting at my work station that day; feeling the sting of a disappointing life and wanting badly to find a way out that would, hopefully, be as effective as I’d thought suicide might be. And so, through the instructions of a radio sermon I was listening to then, I sincerely asked Jesus Christ to come into my heart. It was in that very moment that I began to experience a manner of feeling connected to God that I had not ever known before; an induction into the spiritual realm that felt profoundly overwhelming.
Even so, little did I know then that, in spite of how excited I’d surely become about continuing on with my life, my journey toward some manner of spiritual maturity would prove to be extremely difficult. For I was a person with a fifteen year history of acting out as a lesbian. Yet I’d only been wanting to turn away from that lifestyle for a few months, before receiving empowerment through Jesus Christ to actually do so.
People, what I need you to know, at this point, is that my knowledge of lesbianism came about when I was just a child beginning puberty. You see, there were certain magazines in the house; one of which was a kind of weekly newspaper which had an ongoing lesbian story as one of its features. So, with my young hormones feeling stimulated by that ongoing story, I followed it each week that newspaper was brought into the house. Parents, I admonish you to protect your children from such input with all your might. For, I truly believe, my sexuality might not have been awakened toward my own gender had I not learned that such behavior was an option; right there in my own household.
Nevertheless, with all of my heart, I wanted to come to know more about Jesus Christ and learn to follow him to the very best of my ability. And so, having now been made aware that my mind would be far more difficult to bring into submission to God than my flesh had been, I appealed to Him to just make those thoughts go away. However, rather than to make things easy for me that way, God, instead, began to make me aware of certain things I needed to do on my own. And number one on that list of things, I soon learned, was to steer clear of even the smallest amount of pornographic input. For there surely would have been no progress to be made in my mind, whatsoever, concerning my deviant ways, without this very necessary act of willingness, on my part, to cooperate with God.
And so, as time went by, I began to understand far more about God than I thought I did before. And one of those things was that it didn’t matter how I started out; lesbian or whatever. All that mattered to God, I came to understand, was that I was willing to cooperate with Him; that I surely wanted to be brought to a place of absolute deliverance from a manner of thinking I no longer embraced. I came to understand, as well, that if change was to come about for me, it could only be through my redeemer Jesus Christ; the author of change. For none other than he knows just how to restore within us that right spirit which brings us into agreement with God’s intention for our lives.
So, for all I’ve shared here, and then some, I am surely delivered from my own lesbian tendencies; wholeheartedly and completely. In this, I am empowered to choose not to misbehave sexually; a freedom of choice surely restored to me through the power of Jesus Christ and for as long as I am choosing to just let it be. For this same freedom of choice, which is our birthright, had been lost to me the very moment I began choosing to do what I knew full well was wrong according to God; first heterosexually, as a teenager, and then, some years later, as an adult acting out homosexually. It is a choice now made easy for me; for I have indeed endured what has been a painstaking and humbling process of becoming wholeheartedly transformed through the renewing of my mind; as it speaks of in Romans 12 vs. 2. And in the place of the futility of trying to live for myself, I am, instead, choosing to live my life as a follower of Jesus Christ. For, as he says in John 8: 31-32, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”
And so, for now being free, in that way, I indeed strive to be like Jesus; even with knowing full well that I’ll never reach such a degree of perfection. On a daily basis, I try to practice love and tolerance; first for myself and then toward others. And when I fall short of this, to keep striving to do so just the same.
Through my efforts to mature as a Christian, I am made aware that the battle is not mine; but it is the Lord’s. That it is for me, fully trusting in Him, to only seek to combat Satan’s strategies through God’s Word and on my knees in prayer.
Nearly sixteen years have gone by now since I last acted out as a lesbian. I am at peace with myself, for nothing appeals to me more than worshipping the Lord in spirit and in truth, and through the relaying of His message of hope. In this, I am fulfilling a promise made to God many years ago; that should He choose to completely deliver me from a lesbian mindset, I’d testify about it to all who would receive my testimony, for as long as He would empower me to do so.
Nevertheless, my message of hope concerning absolute deliverance from being imprisoned to homosexuality is clearly only for those who are truly seeking to be free. For I have come to understand that, without sincerely seeking to be free of homosexuality, there is no freedom to be found for anyone indulging in the behavior.