A Life of Suffering, But Not Defeat

I have officially been homebound and 95% bedridden for 4 years now. I have lived with chronic pain for 5 years. I have been through unspeakable suffering and hardships over the last 5 years. I am living with a debilitating neurological disorder and a disability. I have experienced pain that’s so severe, words cannot even express.

But this isn’t a story about pain, or suffering, or disabilities, or being bedridden. No, it’s far from that. This is a story about victory, triumph, perseverance, joy, happiness, thankfulness, unconditional love, compassion, kindness, undeserving grace, mercy, and forgiveness. This is the farthest thing from a sad story. This is a story about a man who was beyond lost, broken, miserable – and was found, redeemed, forgiven, made new again, and given a new life. An amazing life, despite his current circumstances.

Let me start off with the backstory. I had battled multiple severe mental illnesses my whole life and addictions for 18 years. I was severely depressed and suicidal. I had attempted suicide 6 times in my life, and I had 1 successful attempt—well, almost successful—but by the grace of God, He saved me.

I had severe anger issues and was full of rage, and I was the world’s biggest A******. I didn’t care about myself, let alone others. I was a manipulative person who lied to get what I wanted. I used people for my own benefit. I would sleep with women just for my pleasure. I did drugs and was an alcoholic. I went to the wildest parties where anything went on. Every other word out of my mouth was the F-word and blasphemy of God.

I was deader than dead inside. I was a miserable person who lived in the darkest of darkness. On the outside, it looked like I had a good life and was always having fun, but in reality, it couldn’t have been farther from the truth. I was not truly fulfilled. No matter how much stuff I would buy or how much I would do, I was always left empty and unfulfilled. Once the new things I bought or the fun stuff I did wore off, I was left needing more but never satisfied.

I couldn’t get enough sin. I couldn’t live in enough darkness. And I just kept going deeper and deeper into the darkness and doing things I never thought I would. I was a master at hiding my true self and only showing others what I wanted them to see. I was just a downright evil and wretched man who deserved nothing but God’s eternal wrath. I could talk for hours about my past mistakes and brokenness.

As I stated above, I have been through some very difficult physical challenges. I have a neurological disorder and live in chronic pain. I also have Crohn’s disease. Because of my neurological condition, I am homebound and spend 95% of my time in bed. I can’t sit down for more than a few minutes, or drive, or stand for more than a few minutes. I haven’t left my house in four years except to see the doctor. I live alone and hardly get visitors.

I have been through more pain, suffering, and trials than I ever thought possible. I have been divorced twice. I had to file for bankruptcy at 31 years old because of medical bills. I have had everything in my life that you could ever want or desire. And I have also lost everything in my life. I have had perfect health, and I’ve lost my health. I used to do everything fun, from vacations to friends, etc. And now I can’t leave my house. I have truly lived and experienced many, many different things—good and bad. But that’s not where the story ends.

On November 13th, 2021, at 9:00 PM, I had hit rock bottom and was halfway in my grave. I was so exhausted, broken, beaten, in excruciating physical and mental pain, and dead inside that I was going to take my life for real this time.

I was walking out of my bedroom to go hang myself, but halfway out of my bedroom, I just fell to my knees and started crying out to God. I just broke down and laid myself bare in front of Him. I was repenting of all my sins, everything I had ever done from the deepest depths of my soul, asking Him for forgiveness. I told God that I tried it my way my whole life, and it’s gotten me nowhere, and I was willing to try it His way.

This went on for at least an hour, crying out for help and emptying everything at His feet. And God heard me, and forgave me, and reached down and picked me up and released my burdens. He revealed Himself to me right there. I felt a love come into me that was so strong there are no words to describe how powerful it was. I felt a peace come into my life that cannot be measured. I felt completely free from everything I had done and from all the pain, suffering, darkness, and despair inside me.

One minute I was depressed, suicidal, miserable, broken, and dead inside; an hour later, I was filled with unspeakable joy, happiness, freedom, and a love so immense, like being wrapped in a blanket and held by a million mothers. I no longer wanted to die—I now wanted to live. I had a purpose now. I had unexplainable joy, happiness, freedom, comfort, peace, and love. I now loved life and was glad I was born.

At first, I didn’t understand what was happening because it seemed impossible. Soon, I understood that God was real, that He had forgiven all my sins and evil deeds, freed me from death, and gave me His Spirit. I had been born again in Christ. I had been cleansed by Jesus’ blood on the cross and reconciled to God. I had been made new and given eternal life. I had been saved from the punishment I deserved in hell for eternity for all my sins.

That night, God heard my cries, revealed Himself, and proved He was real. And that He hears us when we humble ourselves before Him, repent of our sins, ask for forgiveness, and invite Him into our hearts. By His love, grace, kindness, and mercy, I have been forgiven and set free. All I had to offer God were my sins, but He loved me so much that He forgave me and brought me into a relationship with Him.

Now I live in the light. I no longer have to walk in darkness or live in despair, depression, hurt, trauma, sadness, or suicidal thoughts. I live in complete peace and freedom now.

By God’s love and grace, He has completely delivered me from all my mental illnesses and addictions. He set me free from anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, bipolar disorder, BPD, PTSD, and childhood trauma. He also delivered me from alcohol, drugs, smoking, porn, sexual addiction, cussing, severe anger, hatred, unforgiveness, manipulation, lying, selfishness, and more.

He has made me kind, caring, loving, selfless, thoughtful, compassionate, forgiving, calm, and self-controlled. I now live to help and serve others every day. I don’t focus on myself or my wants; I only care about others and helping them. I don’t take credit for any good in my life. No doctor or anyone else had anything to do with the miracles in my life. It was solely Jesus Christ. He gets all the credit and glory. Without Jesus, I’m just an evil, sinful, wretched man. All good in myself and my life solely comes from Jesus Christ.

But let me be clear: I’m not saying my life is perfect now. I still face real struggles, challenges, and spiritual battles. Life is not always easy, and I haven’t been spared from hardship just because I know Jesus. The difference now is I’m never alone. God is with me in everything I face. He walks with me, giving strength, love, joy, peace, and wisdom I never had before.

Some things God delivered me from instantly – gone forever, never to return. But other things took time. It was a process requiring deep faith, patience, and full surrender. I had to trust Him in dark places when I couldn’t see the way out. I had to lean on Him every single day, sometimes every single hour. There were tests that stretched me, battles that tried to break me, and seasons where the only thing that kept me going was the belief that God would come through, and He always did.

My healing came through building a real, personal relationship with God. The closer I got to Him, the more I changed from the inside out. One by one, strongholds started to fall, and little by little, I was coming out of things I never thought I could be free from. The freedom I have didn’t come easy, but it came from Him and with purpose. Every healing, breakthrough, and victory, He brought it. I give Him all the glory.

My life is meaningless to me. I have everything, lack nothing, need nothing, and want nothing for myself. Despite being homebound and in bed 95% of the time, I am living my best life ever. I have nothing to complain about. No matter how hard I try, I can’t think of a single thing to complain about. My life is beyond fulfilling. I have endless pleasure, endless hope, and unspeakable joy. I have complete peace inside and out. I have nothing to fear because I am in God’s hands—the best and most comforting place to be. I have an amazing life full of joy, pleasure, satisfaction, and fulfillment despite my circumstances. And it’s solely because of Jesus Christ.

There’s not enough paper in the world to tell how good and amazing God is. I don’t need to be healed to live a good life. My life and happiness don’t depend on my health or circumstances. It depends solely on my relationship with Jesus Christ. He is with me in every circumstance. He is by my side, fighting for me during the hardest times, and with me during the best. Even when I am far from God, He is still right here. When I stumble and mess up, He is here to pick me up and forgive me.

No circumstance keeps Him from being here with me. I praise Him in the hardest times, and I praise Him in the best times. He gets me through every day of my life. I couldn’t live without Jesus. It would be impossible. I would have taken my life long ago.

Out of God’s love, grace, and kindness, He has given me rest from my pain. I have had very little pain for a year now. I’ve been in remission from Crohn’s disease for 3.5 years, the first time in my life. But that’s not why I say God is good.

I have said God is good since the day I was saved. I have shared about God’s love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, kindness, compassion, and goodness – even in level ten pain. God is good in the best and worst situations. His love, grace, and goodness don’t depend on life going well. It’s not dependent on whether I’m in extreme pain. It’s not dependent upon going through great trials. God is good because He is love, full of grace, mercy, kindness, forgiveness, compassion, and hope.

Jesus Christ can save you and give you eternal life. He can give you true, lasting peace, freedom, joy, happiness, fulfillment, and pleasure. He can heal you and deliver you. He will come into relationship with you if you humble yourself unto Him, repent of your sins, ask for forgiveness, and believe in His life, death, and resurrection. I know He can do for you what He has done for me. All you have to do is accept Him and make Him Lord over your life.

But let me be clear. I’m not promising that if you come to Jesus, your life will suddenly be easy or perfect. I’m not saying you’ll automatically be healed of every mental or physical illness. That’s not what Jesus promised us.

What He did promise is something far greater: peace that surpasses understanding, joy that the world can’t take away, rest for your soul, and deliverance from the power of sin and the grip of darkness. Jesus died not just to forgive sin, but to break its hold over your life. He came to set you free from everything that keeps you in bondage.

That kind of transformation doesn’t come from religion or trying harder – it comes from a real relationship with God. The more you seek Him, the more He changes you. When you walk with Him daily, turn to Him in everything, and trust Him through the process, He will begin to work in your life in ways you never imagined. Healing may be instant, or it may be a process, or it might not happen. But freedom from the bondage of sin, peace with God, and eternal life are guaranteed to all who truly put their faith in Jesus Christ.