Delivered from 50+ Years of Living in Fear

I am in my late 50s and looking back even to my preteens I had always lived in anger, fear and unhealthy pride.

Anger was my strongest attribute and it was only about five years ago I could honestly link it to a spirit of fear in my life. I also came know my father’s family was plagued by these too. Hard as I tried I couldn’t overcome it as it was always waiting just beneath my breath for the smallest trigger to unleash itself. It was always beyond my control. Last month I discussed it with a priest and he counselled that it wasn’t necessarily a sin, that I should offer it to God for his use. This did little to help me.

But God who is rich in Mercy had his plans to deliver me and it happened in the most unlikely way.

Now I have this client I had consistently worked for in the past eleven years. These were years full of pain, disappointments and low self esteem for me because he was quite cunning and even boasted that he was. So he consistently talked down on me, under paid me, made promises he never kept, prevented his friends from hiring me, etc. So I developed a hatred for him but he was a big developer and had lots of jobs for me to do. And God in his wisdom didn’t open other doors for me. So it was like being in prison and powerless to escape.

Earlier this month, a job came in the North East of my country, an area riddled with Islamic militants but I was ready to go there for five weeks and supervise a job he got thinking the risk and distance involved would give me some leverage for favourable negotiations. But alas it was same old story and I had to decline his unfair offer.

My family was disappointed that I did so considering our desperate financial state and it led to some arguments at home. One day I wanted to pray and the Holy Spirit said- don’t pray, apologize to your wife. And I did but proceeded to explain in detail why I had to decline it considering the long years of abuse and she felt better and we both agreed to trust God for another opportunity.

But then the guilt started eating me up, I couldn’t forgive myself or the client, I was bitter almost all the days succeeding. I lost my appetite, couldn’t pray and believed that God was going to punish me for my pride in letting my family continue to suffer by missing that opportunity. I also couldn’t sleep well at night, my heart rate increased too. I would read some scriptures get a little relief from them or from encouraging dreams God was giving me but would soon after return to the depressed state. Not even after I had a dream and saw a “man” standing behind me who gave me his right hand of handshake which led me to Isaiah 41:13.

Then one day I prayed to Jesus- I repented of all the anger, fear, pride and un forgiveness I had been living in and asked him to help me. That I couldn’t go on living like that. I was exhausted.

Soon after I felt to check my telegram app which I hardly did. There I came across a Christian e- book channel and one title caught my attention – When God says yes- His promise and provision when you need it most.

I immediately downloaded it and started reading. About the second chapter the writer started to explain about God’s love. That Love will release you from fear and explained how fear brings torment and fear of punishment which are not God’s attributes. But God’s love casts out fear and enables us to wait on God without pressure for his time to answer our prayers.

It was like a light was switched on in my heart and head, I felt a release in my otherwise heavy heart and immediately a spirit of rejoicing took over. It’s like I was set free from prison, years of fear and anger left me immediately. I had never had anything close to this. So while my external circumstances haven’t changed, my outlook and inner environment have. I feel complete peace and God’s love that he is with me and I need not be afraid. For the first time I believe him completely.
Praise the Lord!!!